Story 51਀
਀䌀伀䴀䤀一䜀 伀唀吀 䄀䜀䔀㨀 㐀　 愀渀搀 猀琀椀氀氀 挀漀甀渀琀椀渀最 ㄀㌀ 礀攀愀爀猀 氀愀琀攀爀
 ਀ 圀栀攀渀 䤀 昀椀爀猀琀 洀攀琀 䴀Ⰰ 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 栀愀爀搀氀礀 挀愀琀挀栀 洀礀
 breath. It was love/awe/lust at first site.਀ 匀栀攀 眀愀猀 戀攀椀渀最 椀渀琀爀漀搀甀挀攀搀 琀漀 洀攀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 昀椀爀猀琀 琀椀洀攀Ⰰ
 as the new lover of my good friend, K. They were਀ 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 栀愀瀀瀀礀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀洀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀Ⰰ
 happily as well as happy. We all celebrated the good਀ 琀栀椀渀最猀 椀渀 氀椀昀攀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀 ⴀⴀ 漀甀爀 最漀漀搀 昀漀爀琀甀渀攀 愀琀 栀愀瘀椀渀最
 all found each other. ਀
 But the meter had started running in my head and਀ 樀甀猀琀 眀漀甀氀搀 渀漀琀 猀琀漀瀀⸀ 䤀琀 眀愀猀渀✀琀 琀栀攀 戀椀漀氀漀最椀挀愀氀 ∀戀愀戀礀∀
 clock we have heard so much; oh no, this was a਀ 挀漀洀瀀氀攀琀攀氀礀 渀攀眀 琀椀挀欀椀渀最 猀漀甀渀搀Ⰰ 戀攀愀琀椀渀最 漀昀昀 琀椀洀攀 椀渀
 measures I didn't understand, or really pay that਀ 洀甀挀栀 愀琀琀攀渀琀椀漀渀 琀漀 ⴀⴀ 洀攀爀攀氀礀 戀愀挀欀最爀漀甀渀搀 渀漀椀猀攀⸀
਀ 䤀 栀愀搀 氀漀渀最 戀攀攀渀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 眀漀洀攀渀Ⰰ 戀攀猀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀Ⰰ
 fantasies, but had met and fallen in love with a man,਀ 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀愀猀 氀攀愀搀椀渀最 愀 ✀渀漀爀洀愀氀✀ 氀椀昀攀⸀ 䤀琀 渀攀瘀攀爀
 occurred to me that my attitude towards women could਀ 氀攀愀搀 琀漀 愀渀礀 猀漀爀琀 漀昀 氀椀昀攀猀琀礀氀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 眀愀渀琀 琀漀
 lead. They were the pretty things.....I was not.਀
 So, as these things in life go, M and K broke up, ਀ 愀渀搀 戀漀琀栀 搀椀猀愀瀀瀀攀愀爀攀搀 昀爀漀洀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀⸀ 吀栀攀
 occasional phone call, no bad feelings, the odd਀ 猀漀挀椀愀氀 漀挀挀愀猀椀漀渀 戀爀漀甀最栀琀 漀甀爀 瀀氀愀渀攀琀猀✀ 漀爀戀椀琀猀 眀椀琀栀椀渀 愀
 close enough proximity that we occasionally met at a਀ 猀漀挀椀愀氀 昀甀渀挀琀椀漀渀⸀ 䄀氀氀 漀昀 甀猀 眀攀爀攀 氀椀瘀椀渀最 漀甀爀 ㌀　✀猀
 lives, some more successful than others.਀
 I thought to myself,  "The lesbian life equals਀ 瀀漀瘀攀爀琀礀⸀∀  䴀礀 最愀礀 洀攀渀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 眀攀爀攀 搀漀椀渀最 昀愀戀 琀栀椀渀最猀Ⰰ
 lots of disposable income there. The lesbians, well਀ 琀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 琀漀 眀漀爀欀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 栀愀爀搀 昀漀爀 愀
 significantly inferior life style. It just seemed਀ 氀椀欀攀 琀漀漀 洀愀爀最椀渀愀氀Ⰰ 琀漀漀 栀愀爀搀⸀ 匀漀挀椀攀琀礀 栀愀搀 栀愀渀搀椀挀愀瀀瀀攀搀
 us by making us women, to make it doubly so by਀ 戀攀椀渀最 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀⸀⸀⸀琀栀攀 洀愀琀栀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 洀愀欀攀 猀攀渀猀攀 琀漀 洀攀⸀
 I stayed happy and married, and in love, secretly, with M.਀
 Well, the heart is a lonely hunter, as the saying਀ 最漀攀猀⸀ 䤀 欀攀瀀琀 洀礀 栀攀愀搀 搀漀眀渀Ⰰ 眀漀爀欀攀搀 栀愀爀搀Ⰰ 氀漀瘀攀搀 氀攀猀猀
 hard. Tried to get fit and finally lose the baby਀ 昀愀琀⸀ 䄀氀氀 最漀漀搀⸀ 䈀甀琀 琀栀攀 最椀爀氀 漀昀 洀礀 搀爀攀愀洀猀Ⰰ 漀昀 琀栀愀琀 挀漀甀瀀攀 搀攀   
 foudre, or love at first site, always stayed with me as my਀ 漀眀渀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 洀椀爀愀挀氀攀 ⴀⴀ 椀琀 洀愀搀攀 洀攀 猀洀椀氀攀⸀
਀ 伀渀攀 搀愀礀Ⰰ ㄀　 礀攀愀爀猀 氀愀琀攀爀Ⰰ 琀栀攀 瀀栀漀渀攀 爀愀渀最 ⴀⴀ 椀琀 眀愀猀
 K. Her ex, M, was moving to my semi-rural਀ 琀漀眀渀Ⰰ 琀漀 戀攀 挀氀漀猀攀爀 琀漀 栀攀爀 愀椀氀椀渀最 瀀愀爀攀渀琀猀Ⰰ 眀栀漀 氀椀瘀攀搀
 just 2 wee hamlets down the road. Big move, for she਀ 眀愀猀 愀 挀椀琀礀 最椀爀氀Ⰰ 愀渀 愀挀琀爀攀猀猀Ⰰ 渀漀琀 最漀椀渀最 琀漀 戀攀 洀甀挀栀
 for her to do out here...humm. ਀圀漀甀氀搀 䤀 欀攀攀瀀 愀渀 攀礀攀 漀渀 栀攀爀 愀渀搀 栀攀氀瀀 栀攀爀 洀愀欀攀 琀栀攀
 city mouse/country mouse transition? Well, she਀ 愀氀爀攀愀搀礀 栀愀搀 琀栀攀 漀戀氀椀最愀琀漀爀礀 搀漀最Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀愀氀欀猀 眀攀爀攀 栀椀最栀
 on the list of things she already knew how to do਀ 琀栀愀琀 眀漀甀氀搀 昀椀琀 爀椀最栀琀 椀渀 漀甀琀 栀攀爀攀⸀ 匀漀 眀愀氀欀 琀栀攀 搀漀最
 she did, often right past / to my house. Why not, I਀ 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 愀 最爀攀愀琀 最愀氀⸀ 吀栀攀 昀愀挀琀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀
 been blown away by her a decade earlier seemed਀ 椀爀爀攀氀攀瘀愀渀琀⸀ 匀栀攀 渀攀瘀攀爀 欀渀攀眀 愀渀礀 漀昀 琀栀椀猀Ⰰ 樀甀猀琀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀
 I was a "neat married woman"....I made tea.਀
 Five months later, out of the blue, a confession of਀ 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀椀漀渀Ⰰ 洀愀礀戀攀 氀漀瘀攀 漀甀琀 漀昀 䴀✀猀 洀漀甀琀栀⸀ 䴀礀
 mouth, agape, didn't know what to say...so I left਀ 眀椀琀栀 愀 焀甀椀琀攀 最攀渀甀椀渀攀 甀瀀猀攀琀 琀甀洀洀礀⸀ 䄀氀氀 琀栀漀猀攀 戀甀爀椀攀搀
 feelings...6 Feet Under, but obviously buried alive.਀ 吀栀攀 爀攀猀琀 椀猀 栀椀猀琀漀爀礀⸀
਀ 圀攀 昀攀氀氀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀⸀ 䤀 琀漀氀搀 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀
 live this out. We agreed to stay married, but that I਀ 挀漀甀氀搀 搀漀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀 搀漀⸀ 䄀渀搀 䤀 搀椀搀⸀
਀ ㄀㐀 礀攀愀爀猀 氀愀琀攀爀Ⰰ 䤀 愀洀 最漀椀渀最 琀漀 瘀椀猀椀琀 洀礀 䴀 椀渀 愀渀
 hour or so, to have breakfast, and spend most of the਀ 搀愀礀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀⸀ 圀攀 氀漀瘀攀 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀 琀漀 戀椀琀猀Ⰰ 猀琀椀氀氀 栀愀瘀攀
 a good physical relationship. ਀
 She, because of her caretaking of her aged parents,਀ 搀漀眀渀 琀漀 樀甀猀琀 琀栀攀 洀漀琀栀攀爀 渀漀眀Ⰰ 眀栀漀 椀猀 洀攀渀琀愀氀氀礀 椀氀氀Ⰰ
 cannot / will not make the break for us to be together,਀ 氀椀瘀椀渀最 愀渀搀 氀漀瘀椀渀最 甀渀搀攀爀 琀栀攀 猀愀洀攀 爀漀漀昀⸀ 䤀琀 椀猀 愀
 daughters duty. I am a threat, as are all outsiders.਀ 
 But, at 54, I am OUT for all who care to see and਀ 氀椀猀琀攀渀⸀ 䄀氀氀 眀栀漀 愀爀攀 椀洀瀀漀爀琀愀渀琀 琀漀 洀攀⸀
 She is my life, and shall always be.਀ 䄀渀搀 䤀 愀洀 栀攀爀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀愀渀琀 琀漀 戀攀⸀
 We are happy.਀
਀
Story 52਀
Coming out age: 42਀      
Hi, my name is Marilyn.  But today, I go by the name of Lesbnbutterfly.਀
You see, I was always one of those traditional women who always knew that I was different, ਀戀甀琀 䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 栀漀眀 琀漀 猀瀀攀氀氀 琀栀攀 眀漀爀搀 䜀愀礀⸀  䤀 眀愀猀 愀 瘀攀爀礀 爀攀氀椀最椀漀甀猀 眀漀洀愀渀 昀爀漀洀 愀 瘀攀爀礀 
religious family and I honestly thought that G'd had helped me deal with my lesbian ਀愀琀琀爀愀挀琀椀漀渀猀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 椀渀 洀礀 琀攀攀渀猀 愀渀搀 ㈀　✀猀⸀  䤀 栀愀搀 瀀爀愀礀攀搀 栀愀爀搀 琀栀愀琀 琀栀漀猀攀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 琀栀愀琀 
I had for other women would end.  I went to a psychiatrist and he told me just don't think ਀琀栀愀琀 眀愀礀⸀  䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 漀瘀攀爀挀漀洀攀 戀攀椀渀最 最愀礀Ⰰ 猀漀 䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 樀甀猀琀 愀 戀椀猀攀砀甀愀氀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀ 
(Bisexuality, I thought, was a lot safer and it doesn't cause the societal and emotional drama).  ਀
I dyed my hair a beautiful shade of blond and my hair fell out.  And so the next experience ਀漀挀挀甀爀爀攀搀⸀  䄀猀 䤀 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 䌀栀甀爀挀栀 漀渀攀 圀攀搀渀攀猀搀愀礀 渀椀最栀琀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 䄀昀爀漀ⴀ䄀洀攀爀椀挀愀渀 瀀愀猀琀漀爀 琀栀愀琀 眀愀猀 
there, in the midst of 250 people or more looked up at me and said, "Hey Sis, I see that you ਀氀漀漀欀 氀椀欀攀 漀渀攀 漀昀 琀栀攀洀⸀ 圀攀氀氀 䤀 愀洀 栀攀爀攀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 礀漀甀 琀栀愀琀 眀攀 搀漀渀✀琀 眀愀渀琀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 栀攀爀攀 眀椀琀栀 礀漀甀爀 
orientation.  If you just give your life over to Christ, he will help you with it. Other than ਀琀栀愀琀 椀昀 礀漀甀 挀愀渀✀琀 挀栀愀渀最攀Ⰰ 眀攀 搀漀渀✀琀 眀愀渀琀 礀漀甀 栀攀爀攀⸀∀  䤀 眀愀猀 猀漀 猀栀漀挀欀攀搀 䤀 樀甀猀琀 猀愀琀 椀渀 洀礀 挀栀愀椀爀 ⴀⴀ 
I still didn't get that I was gay.  I was so appalled by what the minister had said, I shook ਀愀渀搀 琀栀攀渀 䤀 搀攀挀椀搀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 攀瘀攀渀 椀昀 䤀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 最愀礀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀渀✀琀 戀攀 猀琀甀挀欀 椀渀 愀 挀栀甀爀挀栀 琀栀愀琀 
discriminated against gay people or anyone else, whites, blacks, whatever!  As I got up to ਀氀攀愀瘀攀 渀漀琀 漀渀攀 瀀攀爀猀漀渀 栀愀搀 愀渀礀琀栀椀渀最 琀漀 猀愀礀 琀漀 洀攀⸀  
਀䴀攀愀渀眀栀椀氀攀Ⰰ 䤀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 愀渀搀 搀椀瘀漀爀挀攀搀 琀眀漀 琀椀洀攀猀 搀甀攀 琀漀 洀礀 ㄀猀琀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 琀爀椀攀搀 琀漀 猀攀砀甀愀氀氀礀 愀戀甀猀攀 洀礀 
first born and my second husband couldn't keep his clothes up.  I was a functioning ਀栀攀琀攀爀漀猀攀砀甀愀氀⼀戀椀猀攀砀甀愀氀 眀漀洀愀渀 眀栀漀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 攀渀樀漀礀 猀攀砀 ⴀⴀ 椀琀 眀愀猀 樀甀猀琀 猀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 眀愀猀 攀砀瀀攀挀琀攀搀 漀昀 洀攀⸀  
Anyway due to the two marriages,  I am the proud mother of three beautiful children ਀⠀椀渀 愀 氀愀爀最攀 洀攀愀猀甀爀攀Ⰰ 琀栀攀 洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀猀 眀攀爀攀 眀漀爀琀栀 洀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀Ⰰ 琀栀愀琀✀猀 愀氀氀⤀⸀ 
਀䄀渀礀眀愀礀Ⰰ 䤀 瀀爀愀礀攀搀 愀渀搀 瀀爀愀礀攀搀 昀漀爀 䜀✀搀 琀漀 猀攀渀搀 洀攀 愀 洀愀渀 琀漀 戀攀 栀愀瀀瀀礀 眀椀琀栀⸀  䈀甀琀 漀渀攀 搀愀礀 愀猀 䤀 眀愀猀 
praying for G'd to send me another husband G'd said to me, "You and your woman will be very happy."  ਀䤀 眀愀猀 昀氀愀戀戀攀爀最愀猀琀攀搀Ⰰ 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀渀✀琀 戀攀氀椀攀瘀攀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 昀攀氀琀 椀渀 洀礀 栀攀愀爀琀⸀  䄀琀 琀栀攀 琀椀洀攀 䤀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 椀渀 愀 猀攀爀椀漀甀猀 
car accident and had bad back pains, so I would go to the park everyday.  When I realized I was gay, ਀䤀 挀漀甀氀搀渀✀琀 攀愀琀 漀爀 猀氀攀攀瀀 昀漀爀 眀攀攀欀猀 愀琀 愀 琀椀洀攀⸀  䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 戀甀爀猀琀 漀甀琀 挀爀礀椀渀最 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 戀攀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀 
gay community and my gay brothers there would just hug me and tell me it was okay to cry and ਀琀栀愀琀 昀漀爀 猀漀洀攀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 琀栀攀 挀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀 攀砀瀀攀爀椀攀渀挀攀 琀愀欀攀猀 猀椀砀 洀漀渀琀栀猀 漀爀 洀漀爀攀⸀  䤀 昀攀氀琀 洀礀 眀栀漀氀攀 眀漀爀氀搀 栀愀搀 攀渀搀攀搀⸀  
I would lose everything!  My kids, who I had taught to stay away from gays, my friends who also disliked gays.  ਀䄀渀搀 渀漀眀℀  䤀 眀愀猀 最愀礀℀  圀栀愀琀 愀 栀礀瀀漀挀爀椀琀攀 䤀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀℀  䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 眀愀猀 漀瘀攀爀 漀爀 猀漀 䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀⸀ 
਀䔀瘀攀爀礀搀愀礀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 最漀 琀漀 琀栀攀 瀀愀爀欀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 琀栀愀琀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀 漀渀氀礀 瀀栀礀猀椀挀愀氀 琀栀椀渀最 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 搀漀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 漀昀 
the accident.  I was so depressed, and I would just cry, cry, cry.  But one day, a butterfly landed ਀漀渀 洀攀 愀渀搀 椀琀 樀甀猀琀 猀琀漀漀搀 猀琀椀氀氀⸀  䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 椀琀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀 洀漀猀琀 戀攀愀甀琀椀昀甀氀 戀甀琀琀攀爀昀氀礀 椀渀 琀栀攀 眀漀爀氀搀⸀  吀栀攀 渀攀砀琀 搀愀礀Ⰰ 
as I was walking through the park trail, I was looking up at the clouds and I felt the presence of ਀琀栀攀 䠀漀氀礀 匀瀀椀爀椀琀 挀漀洀攀 漀瘀攀爀 洀攀⸀  䄀猀 䤀 氀漀漀欀攀搀 愀琀 琀栀攀 挀氀漀甀搀猀 琀栀愀琀 搀愀礀Ⰰ 愀猀 攀愀挀栀 挀氀漀甀搀 戀攀最椀渀 琀漀 洀漀瘀攀 愀渀搀 挀栀愀渀最攀 猀栀愀瀀攀Ⰰ 
I felt G'd's love for me.  G'd's love for me was like waves on waves of love coming down from the clouds and ਀椀琀 眀愀猀 猀甀挀栀 愀渀 愀眀攀猀漀洀攀 攀砀瀀攀爀椀攀渀挀攀Ⰰ 䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 栀漀眀 琀漀 栀愀渀搀氀攀 椀琀⸀  䤀 栀愀搀 渀攀瘀攀爀 欀渀漀眀渀 琀栀攀 搀攀瀀琀栀 漀昀 猀甀挀栀 
love in my entire life.  I knew at the moment that G'd truly loved me and every other person in the GLBT ਀挀漀洀洀甀渀椀琀礀Ⰰ 渀漀琀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 眀攀 爀攀瀀爀攀猀攀渀琀 琀栀攀 䜀䰀䈀吀 䌀漀洀洀甀渀椀琀礀 戀甀琀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 眀攀 愀爀攀 挀爀攀愀琀攀搀 戀礀 琀栀攀 挀爀攀愀琀漀爀⸀  
(And for those people that have a problem with GLBT they should pray to God and ask God why, not the GLBT ਀䌀漀洀洀甀渀椀琀礀⸀⤀  䄀渀搀 䤀 昀攀氀琀 琀栀攀 䜀✀搀✀猀 瀀爀攀猀攀渀挀攀 猀愀礀椀渀最 ∀䤀 䰀漀瘀攀 夀漀甀∀Ⰰ ∀䤀 䌀爀攀愀琀攀搀 夀漀甀∀⸀  䄀琀 琀栀愀琀 洀漀洀攀渀琀 䤀 琀爀甀氀礀 
knew that G'd didn't judge me for being a lesbian because G'd created me.  I also knew that G'd was ਀猀漀 戀甀猀礀 挀爀攀愀琀椀渀最 氀椀昀攀Ⰰ 琀栀愀琀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 渀漀 琀椀洀攀 琀漀 搀攀猀琀爀漀礀 愀 瀀攀爀猀漀渀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 漀昀 琀栀攀椀爀 猀攀砀甀愀氀椀琀礀⸀  䤀 挀愀洀攀 愀眀愀礀 
from that experience knowing that as a Black, Jewish, Lesbian, that G'd truly does love VARIETY.  ਀匀攀砀甀愀氀椀琀礀 椀猀 猀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 洀愀渀 洀愀搀攀 甀瀀⸀  䜀✀搀 椀猀 猀漀 戀甀猀礀 挀爀攀愀琀椀渀最 氀椀昀攀 琀栀愀琀 愀氀氀 琀栀攀 挀爀攀愀琀漀爀 欀渀漀眀猀 椀猀 䰀伀嘀䔀℀  䰀伀嘀䔀 䐀伀䔀匀 
COME IN A VARIETY OF FLAVORS FROM G'D.਀
Since that day, I, Marilyn, the mother of 3 children, at 48 years of age finally got a BS degree in Health ਀匀琀甀搀椀攀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 瀀氀愀渀 漀渀 最漀椀渀最 漀渀 昀漀爀 洀礀 洀愀猀琀攀爀猀 愀渀搀 倀栀✀䐀⸀  䄀氀漀渀最 琀栀攀 眀愀礀Ⰰ 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 洀攀琀 愀 㐀　 礀攀愀爀 漀氀搀 眀漀洀愀渀 戀礀 琀栀攀 
name of Susan, and we are planning on getting married.  I finally did something right this time -- I acknowledge that ਀䤀 愀洀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀  䤀 愀洀 猀漀 最氀愀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 氀攀琀 琀栀攀 昀愀挀琀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 愀洀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 搀攀猀琀爀漀礀 洀攀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 愀洀 渀漀眀 愀 倀刀伀唀䐀 䰀䔀匀䈀䤀䄀一 
and I wished I had embraced it many years ago in my life --  it would have made all the difference in the world.  ਀䠀漀眀攀瘀攀爀Ⰰ 䤀 愀氀猀漀 欀渀漀眀 琀栀愀琀 洀礀 琀栀爀攀攀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀 愀爀攀 最氀愀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 昀漀甀渀搀 琀栀椀猀 漀甀琀 氀愀琀攀 椀渀 氀椀昀攀⸀  䈀攀猀琀 圀椀猀栀 琀漀 
All of You, G'd Is Always With You In Every Journey, Never Give Up!  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  ਀
MFSABRA@HOTMAIL.COM OR LESBNBUTTERFLY@HOTMAIL.COM ਀
਀
Story 53਀
Coming out age:  40਀
Looking back, I've always known there was something different.  I had been sexually abused as a ਀礀漀甀渀最 最椀爀氀 愀渀搀 最爀漀眀椀渀最 甀瀀 䤀 渀攀瘀攀爀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 搀攀瘀攀氀漀瀀攀搀 猀愀昀攀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀猀 眀椀琀栀 洀攀渀⸀
਀圀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 椀渀 昀漀甀爀琀栀 最爀愀搀攀Ⰰ 䤀 昀攀氀氀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 愀 戀爀漀眀渀 栀愀椀爀Ⰰ 戀爀漀眀渀 攀礀攀搀 最椀爀氀⸀  䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 甀渀搀攀爀猀琀愀渀搀 
why I  was so attracted to this girl, I just knew that she made me happy to be near her. As I grew up, ਀䤀 琀爀椀攀搀 琀漀 昀椀琀 椀渀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀 漀琀栀攀爀 欀椀搀猀⸀  䤀 欀椀猀猀攀搀 戀漀礀猀Ⰰ 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 搀愀渀挀攀猀 愀渀搀 栀甀渀最 漀甀琀⸀  䤀渀 栀椀最栀 猀挀栀漀漀氀Ⰰ 
when all my friends were going steady, I was working and helping coach the sports teams back at my old ਀樀甀渀椀漀爀 栀椀最栀⸀  䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 挀愀爀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀渀✀琀 搀愀琀椀渀最⸀  䤀 眀愀猀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 昀甀渀⸀
਀䤀 最爀攀眀 甀瀀 椀渀 匀漀甀琀栀 匀愀渀 䘀爀愀渀挀椀猀挀漀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 戀攀椀渀最 挀氀漀猀攀 琀漀 琀栀攀 挀椀琀礀Ⰰ 䤀 欀渀攀眀 琀栀愀琀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀攀爀攀 氀漀琀猀 漀昀 最愀礀猀 愀渀搀 
lesbians around, but my family would make fun of gays, and knowing how I felt and being confused about ਀栀漀眀 琀漀 攀砀瀀爀攀猀猀 洀礀猀攀氀昀Ⰰ 䤀 栀椀搀⸀  䄀渀搀 䤀 栀椀搀 昀漀爀 礀攀愀爀猀⸀⸀⸀⸀⸀甀渀琀椀氀 䤀 眀愀猀 㐀　⸀
਀䤀 洀漀瘀攀搀 昀爀漀洀 䌀愀氀椀昀漀爀渀椀愀 琀漀 匀攀愀琀琀氀攀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 ㈀㄀Ⰰ 瀀氀愀渀渀椀渀最 琀漀 挀漀洀攀 漀甀琀 愀渀搀 琀漀 氀椀瘀攀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 愀猀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀  
However, I allowed myself to be talked out of it by a close friend.  I was ashamed and scared, so I continued ਀琀漀 栀椀搀攀 洀礀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 昀漀爀 眀漀洀攀渀⸀  䤀 眀愀猀 ㈀㠀Ⰰ 眀栀攀渀 䤀 洀攀琀 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀⸀  䄀渀搀 䤀 眀愀猀 猀琀椀氀氀 愀 嘀䤀刀䜀䤀一⸀  䠀洀洀洀洀⸀⸀⸀琀栀愀琀 
should have been a big clue, twenty eight and never slept with a man .... yep, that was a red flag.  ਀圀攀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 愀渀搀 栀愀搀 琀眀漀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀⸀
਀䴀礀 洀漀琀栀攀爀 搀椀攀搀 眀椀琀栀椀渀 ㄀㈀ 栀漀甀爀猀 漀昀 搀椀猀挀漀瘀攀爀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 栀愀搀 挀愀渀挀攀爀⸀  䤀 眀愀猀 㐀　 礀爀猀⸀ 漀氀搀 愀渀搀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 挀栀愀渀最攀搀Ⰰ 
that night.I spent weeks thinking about the loss of my mother and what her life had been like.  She had ਀猀琀愀礀攀搀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 㔀㄀ 礀攀愀爀猀Ⰰ 琀漀 愀 洀愀渀 琀栀愀琀 眀愀猀 洀攀愀渀 愀渀搀 愀戀甀猀椀瘀攀⸀  䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 愀戀漀甀琀 洀礀 漀眀渀 洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀 愀渀搀 洀礀 漀眀渀 氀椀昀攀⸀  
And as I grieved for my mother, I also grieved for myself.  I knew that I could no longer hide who I am.਀
I still remember the night I told my husband.  I laid in his arms and sobbed. He said, "Whatever it is,  ਀眀攀✀氀氀 昀椀砀 椀琀∀⸀  䄀渀搀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 洀礀 琀攀愀爀猀Ⰰ 䤀 猀愀椀搀Ⰰ ∀圀攀 挀愀渀✀琀 昀椀砀 琀栀椀猀∀⸀  䤀 琀漀氀搀 栀椀洀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 愀洀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 愀渀搀 䤀 
can't live like this any longer.  I was so tired of trying to hide, always looking over my shoulder wondering ਀椀昀 愀渀礀漀渀攀 渀漀琀椀挀攀搀 愀 洀愀渀渀攀爀椀猀洀 漀爀 愀 氀漀漀欀⸀  䤀琀 眀愀猀 攀砀栀愀甀猀琀椀渀最 愀渀搀 搀攀瀀爀攀猀猀椀渀最⸀ 䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀栀攀 昀爀攀攀搀漀洀 琀漀 戀攀 洀攀⸀  
To be able to live my life, the way I've always wanted to live and that's as a lesbian.  ਀
After telling my husband, I remember the initial feeling of freedom.  And then, my greatest fear was that ਀瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 昀椀渀搀 漀甀琀⸀  䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 眀愀渀琀 琀漀 攀洀戀愀爀爀愀猀猀 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 漀爀 洀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀⸀  䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 瀀爀漀琀攀挀琀 琀栀攀洀 昀爀漀洀 
what people would say.  So, even though I had finally shared my secret with my husband, I was still very ਀洀甀挀栀 椀渀 琀栀攀 挀氀漀猀攀琀⸀
਀伀瘀攀爀 琀栀攀 渀攀砀琀 昀攀眀 洀漀渀琀栀猀Ⰰ 䤀 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 挀漀甀渀猀攀氀椀渀最⸀  䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 昀椀渀搀 愀 眀愀礀 琀漀 攀愀猀攀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 漀甀琀 漀昀 洀礀 洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀 
and give my husband the freedom to find someone that would love him the way he deserved to be loved.  The ਀最甀椀氀琀 眀愀猀 漀瘀攀爀眀栀攀氀洀椀渀最⸀  䴀礀 氀椀昀攀 眀愀猀 氀椀欀攀 愀 爀漀氀氀攀爀挀漀愀猀琀攀爀 愀渀搀 䤀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 昀攀氀琀 氀椀欀攀 琀栀爀漀眀椀渀最 甀瀀⸀  䤀 樀甀猀琀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 
off the ride.  ਀
I began to share with close friends my sexual orientation.  I feared that people would walk away from our ਀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀⸀  䤀 挀愀渀 猀琀椀氀氀 爀攀洀攀洀戀攀爀 琀栀攀 渀椀最栀琀 䤀 琀漀氀搀 洀礀 戀攀猀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀⸀ 䤀 栀愀搀 昀氀漀眀渀 琀漀 䌀愀氀最愀爀礀Ⰰ 䄀氀戀攀爀琀愀 琀漀 瘀椀猀椀琀 栀攀爀 
and her family.  We made plans to go to Banff, for an overnight.  I was really quiet in the car, I picked at my ਀搀椀渀渀攀爀 愀渀搀 眀愀猀 渀漀琀椀挀攀愀戀氀礀 瀀爀攀漀挀挀甀瀀椀攀搀⸀  䘀椀渀愀氀氀礀Ⰰ 猀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 琀漀 洀攀⸀⸀⸀∀琀愀氀欀 琀漀 洀攀Ⰰ 眀栀愀琀✀猀 最漀椀渀最 漀渀∀㼀  䤀 瀀爀漀洀椀猀攀搀 琀漀 
talk to her when we got back to our motel.  I was terrified!  This was the woman that had been my friend, through ਀琀栀椀挀欀 愀渀搀 琀栀椀渀⸀  匀栀攀 栀愀搀 挀漀洀攀 琀漀 瘀椀猀椀琀 洀攀 琀栀攀 眀攀攀欀攀渀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 渀漀 氀漀渀最攀爀 栀椀搀攀 眀栀漀 䤀 眀愀猀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 
I couldn't tell her then.  She was the first person I contacted when my mother died.   She was there ਀眀栀攀渀 䤀 琀漀氀搀 栀攀爀 琀栀愀琀 洀礀 洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀 眀愀猀 椀渀 琀爀漀甀戀氀攀⸀  䄀渀搀  渀漀眀⸀⸀⸀䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 栀攀爀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀
਀匀栀攀 瀀漀甀爀攀搀 攀愀挀栀 漀昀 甀猀 愀 最氀愀猀猀 漀昀 眀椀渀攀 愀渀搀 愀猀 䤀 琀爀椀攀搀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 栀攀爀Ⰰ 䤀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 琀漀 挀爀礀⸀  䤀 栀愀搀 眀愀椀琀攀搀 洀漀渀琀栀猀 琀漀 猀攀攀 
her in person, to tell her.  I didn't want to tell her in an email, I couldn't tell her on the phone, I needed to ਀琀攀氀氀 栀攀爀 椀渀 瀀攀爀猀漀渀⸀  伀甀爀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀 眀愀猀 琀漀漀 椀洀瀀漀爀琀愀渀琀 琀漀 洀攀 愀渀搀 䤀 栀愀搀 昀氀漀眀渀 昀爀漀洀 匀攀愀琀琀氀攀 琀漀 䌀愀氀最愀爀礀Ⰰ 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 栀攀爀⸀ 
I couldn't get the words out and realizing that  I might have trouble telling her, I brought a letter I wrote her ਀愀渀搀 䤀 爀攀愀搀 昀爀漀洀 椀琀⸀  䄀渀搀 䤀 挀爀椀攀搀⸀
਀䠀攀爀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀 渀攀瘀攀爀 眀愀瘀攀爀攀搀⸀  䄀渀搀 猀栀攀 栀愀猀 猀琀漀漀搀 戀礀 洀攀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 洀礀 挀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀Ⰰ 洀礀 搀椀瘀漀爀挀攀Ⰰ 洀攀 琀攀氀氀椀渀最 洀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀Ⰰ 
my siblings, and my friends.  And she was there for me when my first relationship with another woman came to ਀愀渀 攀渀搀 愀渀搀 愀最愀椀渀Ⰰ 䤀 挀爀椀攀搀⸀ 
਀䤀琀✀猀 戀攀攀渀 昀漀甀爀 礀攀愀爀猀 猀椀渀挀攀 琀栀攀 戀攀最椀渀渀椀渀最 漀昀 洀礀 挀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀⸀  䤀✀洀 眀栀愀琀 礀漀甀✀搀 挀愀氀氀 愀 ∀氀愀琀攀 戀氀漀漀洀攀爀∀⸀  䤀✀洀 愀 栀愀瀀瀀礀Ⰰ 
warm, stable, single, lesbian mom.  I have two wonderful children (ages 11 and 12) that have accepted me, for me. ਀䤀✀洀 猀琀椀氀氀 琀栀攀 猀愀洀攀 瀀攀爀猀漀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 戀攀昀漀爀攀 䤀 挀愀洀攀 漀甀琀 愀渀搀 䤀 琀栀椀渀欀 琀栀愀琀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀 挀漀渀挀攀爀渀 琀栀愀琀 洀漀猀琀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 栀愀搀 眀愀猀 琀栀愀琀 
I'd change who I am.  And I did.  I became a confident, strong, happy, out lesbian. I am out to my friends, my family, ਀洀礀 挀漀ⴀ眀漀爀欀攀爀猀Ⰰ 洀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀✀猀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 ⠀愀渀搀 琀栀攀椀爀 瀀愀爀攀渀琀猀⤀⸀  
਀䤀 渀漀 氀漀渀最攀爀 栀愀瘀攀 琀漀 栀椀搀攀 眀栀漀 䤀 愀洀⸀  䤀 眀攀愀爀 洀礀 瀀爀椀搀攀 琀ⴀ猀栀椀爀琀猀 琀漀 眀漀爀欀Ⰰ 䤀 搀爀椀瘀攀 愀 匀甀戀愀爀甀 ⸀⸀⸀氀漀氀⸀⸀⸀⸀愀渀搀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 愀 
rainbow sticker on the back of my Miata. When I came out, I didn't shout it from the rooftops, but there were times ਀眀栀攀渀 䤀 栀愀搀 琀栀攀 氀愀搀搀攀爀 氀攀愀渀椀渀最 甀瀀 愀最愀椀渀猀琀 琀栀攀 栀漀甀猀攀Ⰰ 樀甀猀琀 椀渀 挀愀猀攀 䤀 最漀琀 琀栀攀 甀爀最攀 琀漀 搀漀 猀漀⸀ 䤀 眀椀猀栀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 猀愀礀 琀栀愀琀 
the coming out process is easy.  It wasn't...there were many times that I wished I could run back to the safety of my ਀洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀⸀  䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 眀愀渀琀 琀漀 攀砀瀀氀愀椀渀 眀栀礀 䤀 眀愀猀渀✀琀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀攀搀 椀渀 搀愀琀椀渀最 猀漀洀攀 最甀礀Ⰰ 琀栀愀琀 猀漀洀攀漀渀攀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 昀椀砀 洀攀 甀瀀 眀椀琀栀⸀  
I no longer feel the need to share with people that I'm a lesbian.  I've decided that they'll figure it out, sooner or later.਀
਀
Story 54਀
Coming out age: 57਀
From the age of 16 and until I turned 26, I dated and ਀栀愀搀 猀攀砀 眀椀琀栀 洀愀渀礀 洀攀渀⸀   䤀 眀愀猀 愀 猀攀砀甀愀氀氀礀 瀀爀攀挀漀挀椀漀甀猀 
young woman and the type that would jump into new and ਀搀椀瘀攀爀猀攀 攀砀瀀攀爀椀攀渀挀攀猀 椀渀琀爀攀瀀椀搀氀礀 愀渀搀 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 愀氀氀⸀  䤀琀 眀愀猀 
like the proverbial 'looking for love in all the wrong ਀瀀氀愀挀攀猀✀⸀  䤀渀 ㄀㤀㜀㈀Ⰰ 䤀 搀椀猀挀漀瘀攀爀攀搀 洀礀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀椀漀渀 昀漀爀 
women.   I had two lesbian relationships (respectively, 4 ਀礀攀愀爀猀 愀渀搀 ㈀ 礀攀愀爀猀⤀⸀   圀栀攀渀 洀礀 氀愀猀琀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 
painfully ended, I left New York in 1978 to start a new life ਀漀甀琀 圀攀猀琀 愀渀搀 攀瘀攀渀琀甀愀氀氀礀 洀漀瘀攀搀 琀漀 䌀愀氀椀昀漀爀渀椀愀 眀栀攀爀攀 䤀✀瘀攀 
lived for over 24 years.  As far as my lesbian ਀攀砀瀀攀爀椀攀渀挀攀猀Ⰰ 䤀 挀栀愀氀欀攀搀 椀琀 漀昀昀 琀漀 愀 ✀瀀栀愀猀攀✀ 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 愀渀搀 最漀琀 
busy surviving and building a new life out West.  I ਀搀椀搀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 琀栀攀渀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 愀渀 愀氀挀漀栀漀氀椀挀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 琀漀搀愀礀Ⰰ 
realize that I was repressing my sexuality to cover up ਀琀栀攀 瀀愀椀渀 愀渀搀 昀攀愀爀 漀昀 氀椀昀攀 愀渀搀 氀漀猀猀⸀     
਀䤀 愀洀 渀漀眀 椀渀 爀攀挀漀瘀攀爀礀 愀渀搀 栀愀瘀攀 戀攀攀渀 挀氀攀愀渀 愀渀搀 猀漀戀攀爀 昀漀爀 
almost 20 years.  After sobering up in 1984, I ਀愀琀琀攀洀瀀琀攀搀 愀 昀攀眀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀猀 眀椀琀栀 洀攀渀Ⰰ 眀栀椀挀栀 渀攀瘀攀爀 眀漀爀欀攀搀 
out.  I started to think that I wasn't meant to be with ਀愀渀礀漀渀攀 ⴀ 洀愀渀 漀爀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀   䤀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀 渀漀眀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 愀 
fear of intimacy and didn’t want to take risks only to ਀猀甀昀昀攀爀 氀漀猀猀 ⴀⴀ 愀渀搀 䤀 愀氀猀漀 渀攀瘀攀爀 爀攀瘀椀猀椀琀攀搀 琀栀攀 
possibility of my being a lesbian.   I stayed active with my ਀椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀猀 愀渀搀 眀漀爀欀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 最攀琀 椀渀琀椀洀愀琀攀氀礀 椀渀瘀漀氀瘀攀搀 
with anyone for years.   Many of my close friends in ਀爀攀挀漀瘀攀爀礀 洀漀瘀攀搀 愀眀愀礀⸀  䤀 琀爀椀攀搀 琀漀 洀愀欀攀 渀攀眀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 挀氀漀猀攀爀 
to home, but many people in the area where I live are ਀琀漀漀 戀甀猀礀 洀愀欀椀渀最 洀漀渀攀礀Ⰰ 愀爀攀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀Ⰰ 漀爀 愀爀攀 洀甀挀栀 
younger than my age group - people keep coming into and out ਀漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 挀氀漀猀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀猀 猀攀攀洀攀搀 琀漀 攀氀甀搀攀 洀攀⸀  
Thank goodness for my recovery program or I would be ਀椀渀 搀椀爀攀 猀琀爀愀椀琀猀⸀
਀䄀戀漀甀琀 琀栀爀攀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 愀最漀Ⰰ 䤀 洀攀琀 愀渀 漀氀搀攀爀 眀漀洀愀渀 椀渀 
recovery.  We became friends and occasionally traveled and ਀猀漀挀椀愀氀椀稀攀搀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀⸀   匀栀攀 最漀琀 琀攀爀洀椀渀愀氀 挀愀渀挀攀爀 愀渀搀 眀攀渀琀 
through a long period of chemo and radiation.  I ਀搀椀搀渀✀琀 猀攀攀 栀攀爀 昀漀爀 愀眀栀椀氀攀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 猀栀攀 欀攀瀀琀 椀渀 琀漀甀挀栀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 
friends, including me, by email.  When I next saw her, ਀猀栀攀 氀漀漀欀攀搀 最爀攀愀琀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀爀攀 愀瀀瀀攀愀爀攀搀 琀漀 戀攀 栀漀瀀攀 琀栀愀琀 
the cancer was in remission and that she may make it for ਀愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 礀攀愀爀⸀   
਀吀栀椀猀 瀀愀猀琀 䄀瀀爀椀氀Ⰰ 眀攀 眀攀渀琀 愀眀愀礀 漀渀 愀 㐀ⴀ搀愀礀 琀爀椀瀀Ⰰ 漀渀 
which she revealed to me that she was gay and had been ਀愀琀琀爀愀挀琀攀搀 琀漀 洀攀 眀栀攀渀 眀攀 昀椀爀猀琀 洀攀琀⸀   䤀 眀愀猀 猀甀爀瀀爀椀猀攀搀 
since she had two grown children and 4 grandchildren.  I ਀栀愀搀 渀漀 椀搀攀愀⸀  䔀瘀攀渀 琀栀攀渀Ⰰ 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 猀琀愀爀琀椀渀最 琀漀 栀愀瘀攀 
complications from her treatment and it was getting harder ਀昀漀爀 栀攀爀 琀漀 眀愀氀欀⸀  䘀漀爀 琀栀攀 氀愀猀琀 㘀 眀攀攀欀猀 漀昀 栀攀爀 氀椀昀攀 
(she passed away on June 21), I spent almost every day ਀眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 愀琀 昀椀爀猀琀 最攀琀琀椀渀最 漀甀琀 愀渀搀 愀爀漀甀渀搀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀渀 愀猀 猀栀攀 
became more confined to her home and more in pain.  ਀匀栀攀 琀漀氀搀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 氀漀瘀攀搀 洀攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 昀攀氀琀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 昀愀氀氀椀渀最 
in love with her.  So there we were - in a major ਀氀椀昀攀ⴀ搀攀愀琀栀 猀椀琀甀愀琀椀漀渀 搀椀猀挀漀瘀攀爀椀渀最 琀栀攀猀攀 琀栀椀渀最猀⸀⸀⸀⸀ 愀氀氀 漀昀 愀 
sudden, me having feelings that had been hidden so ਀氀漀渀最Ⰰ 愀渀搀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最 氀漀瘀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 渀攀瘀攀爀 昀攀氀琀 ⴀ 眀攀 
becoming as intimate and close as any lovers could be.  Our ਀戀攀椀渀最 眀椀琀栀 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀 眀愀猀  琀攀渀搀攀爀 愀渀搀 氀漀瘀椀渀最 Ⰰ 
transcending sexual relations which were not possible then.  ਀圀攀 栀愀搀 栀漀瀀攀猀 琀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 最攀琀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 琀栀攀 眀漀爀猀琀 愀渀搀 
that she would have more time.਀
I didn't expect her to go so soon but thank God she’s ਀漀甀琀 漀昀 瀀愀椀渀⸀  䤀 愀洀 猀琀椀氀氀 愀洀 瀀爀漀挀攀猀猀椀渀最 洀礀 最爀椀攀昀 愀渀搀 
loss – it seems so unfair to have finally found love and ਀栀愀瘀攀 椀琀 猀渀愀琀挀栀攀搀 昀爀漀洀 洀攀⸀    匀栀攀 氀攀昀琀 洀攀 猀漀洀攀 瀀爀攀挀椀漀甀猀 
gifts - one is that I have gotten back in touch with ਀洀礀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀椀猀洀 愀渀搀 愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 琀栀攀 爀攀挀漀最渀椀琀椀漀渀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 愀洀 
capable of giving and receiving such love.   My life ਀挀栀愀渀最攀搀 愀氀洀漀猀琀 漀瘀攀爀渀椀最栀琀 琀栀椀猀 礀攀愀爀☀愠渀搀 䤀ᤀ洠 猀挀愀爀攀搀⸀    䤀 
just turned 58 and it seems that it took so long to find ਀琀栀椀猀 欀椀渀搀 漀昀 氀漀瘀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 洀愀礀 渀漀琀 昀椀渀搀 椀琀 愀最愀椀渀⸀  唀渀琀椀氀 
now, I have not been involved with the gay community ਀栀攀爀攀 愀渀搀 栀愀瘀攀 渀漀琀 栀愀搀 愀渀礀 挀氀漀猀攀 挀漀渀渀攀挀琀椀漀渀猀 漀爀 猀甀瀀瀀漀爀琀 
to help me through this.  I have been reaching out and ਀攀砀瀀氀漀爀椀渀最 漀昀昀氀椀渀攀 愀渀搀 漀渀氀椀渀攀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 眀漀洀攀渀✀猀 最爀漀甀瀀猀 
and events.  I know I feel okay with where I'm at and it ਀眀椀氀氀 琀愀欀攀 琀椀洀攀 琀漀 洀愀欀攀 渀攀眀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀㬀 戀甀琀 椀琀 猀琀椀氀氀 昀攀攀氀猀 
unsettling.  The support and comfort of communicating ਀眀椀琀栀 欀椀渀搀爀攀搀 猀瀀椀爀椀琀猀 眀漀甀氀搀 洀攀愀渀 洀甀挀栀 琀漀 洀攀⸀   䤀 
realize that I need love in my life and I hope that I may ਀昀椀渀搀 椀琀 眀椀琀栀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀渀搀 攀瘀攀渀琀甀愀氀氀礀Ⰰ 戀礀 琀栀攀 最爀愀挀攀 漀昀 
God, with a loving companion, friend and lover.਀
਀
Story 55਀
Coming out age:  50਀
 I always knew I was different from other girls.  I never dreamed about being ਀愀 眀椀昀攀 漀爀 洀漀琀栀攀爀Ⰰ 漀爀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 愀 昀愀椀爀礀琀愀氀攀 眀攀搀搀椀渀最⸀ 圀栀攀渀  䤀 戀攀挀愀洀攀 愀眀愀爀攀 漀昀 洀礀 
attraction to girls at the age of 12, I tried talking to my mother about it.  ਀䤀 猀愀椀搀Ⰰ ∀䤀 琀栀椀渀欀 䤀 洀椀最栀琀 戀攀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀∀  圀攀 眀攀爀攀 愀氀漀渀攀 椀渀 栀攀爀 戀攀搀爀漀漀洀⸀ 圀栀攀渀 䤀 
said the word "lesbian" my mother acted as if she just saw a ghost or something.  ਀匀栀攀 樀甀洀瀀攀搀 甀瀀 愀渀搀 爀愀渀 琀漀 琀栀攀 戀攀搀爀漀漀洀 搀漀漀爀 琀漀 挀氀漀猀攀 椀琀 愀猀 琀栀漀甀最栀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 樀甀猀琀 
said was so shameful we couldn't let anyone else hear about.  After that I wasn't ਀琀漀漀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀攀搀 椀渀 琀愀氀欀椀渀最 愀戀漀甀琀 琀栀攀 猀甀戀樀攀挀琀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 愀渀礀洀漀爀攀⸀  䤀 樀甀猀琀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 最攀琀 
away and hide as soon as possible.  I mumbled some kind of answers to her questions and ਀猀栀攀 挀漀渀挀氀甀搀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 樀甀猀琀 ∀最漀椀渀最 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 愀 瀀栀愀猀攀∀ 琀礀瀀椀挀愀氀 昀漀爀 愀搀漀氀攀猀挀攀渀琀 最椀爀氀猀⸀ 
਀䤀 栀愀搀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 挀爀甀猀栀攀猀 椀渀 樀甀渀椀漀爀 栀椀最栀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀愀猀 瘀攀爀礀 洀甀挀栀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 戀攀猀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀 
in high school.  My best friend eventually told me she didn't was to be "close" anymore ਀戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 栀攀爀 漀氀搀攀爀 猀椀戀氀椀渀最猀 眀攀爀攀 挀愀氀氀椀渀最 洀攀 栀攀爀 ∀戀漀礀昀爀椀攀渀搀∀ 愀渀搀 漀渀攀 琀椀洀攀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 琀漀 
stroke her hair she got angry and said she "hated when I got like that."   I was terribly ਀栀攀愀爀琀戀爀漀欀攀渀 愀渀搀 栀愀搀 愀戀猀漀氀甀琀攀氀礀 渀漀 漀渀攀 䤀 昀攀氀琀 椀琀 眀愀猀 猀愀昀攀 琀漀 琀愀氀欀 琀漀⸀  䄀琀 栀漀洀攀Ⰰ 䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀 
act as though everything was normal in order to avoid the third degree from my mother.਀
I never spoke to another soul about my feelings for women until I was 19 and in a mental ਀栀漀猀瀀椀琀愀氀 昀漀爀 愀 猀甀椀挀椀搀攀 愀琀琀攀洀瀀琀⸀  吀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 愀 渀甀爀猀攀 漀渀 琀栀攀 眀愀爀搀 眀栀漀 眀愀猀  瘀攀爀礀 礀漀甀渀最 愀渀搀 䤀 
could tell she was gay.  I was in the hospital for nine months and during that time I fell ਀椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀椀猀 渀甀爀猀攀⸀  吀漀眀愀爀搀 琀栀攀 攀渀搀 漀昀 洀礀 猀琀愀礀Ⰰ 猀栀攀 挀甀琀 漀昀昀 挀漀渀琀愀挀琀 眀椀琀栀漀甀琀 愀渀 攀砀瀀氀愀渀愀琀椀漀渀⸀  
There I was, recently discharged from the nuthouse, and again nursing a broken heart and no one to talk to.਀
During my college years, I tried a few times to break into the lesbian community, but I felt ਀瘀攀爀礀 椀氀氀 愀琀 攀愀猀攀⸀  䤀 昀攀氀琀 䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 昀椀琀 椀渀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 䤀 栀愀搀 渀攀瘀攀爀 愀挀琀甀愀氀氀礀 栀愀搀 猀攀砀 眀椀琀栀 愀 
woman and was afraid to admit it to the others.  I was ashamed of having been rejected and still ਀愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 瘀椀爀最椀渀 椀渀 琀栀攀 愀最攀 漀昀 猀攀砀甀愀氀 昀爀攀攀搀漀洀⸀
਀䤀 栀愀搀 瘀椀爀琀甀愀氀氀礀 渀漀 猀漀挀椀愀氀 氀椀昀攀Ⰰ 瘀攀爀礀 昀攀眀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀⸀  䄀昀琀攀爀 䤀 琀甀爀渀攀搀 ㌀　 䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀Ⰰ ∀䤀昀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀渀✀琀 
had a lesbian relationship yet, I probably never will,  so I'd better find a man to marry or I ਀眀椀氀氀 戀攀 愀氀漀渀攀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 爀攀猀琀 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀⸀∀ 吀栀爀漀甀最栀 琀栀攀 瀀攀爀猀漀渀愀氀 愀搀猀Ⰰ 䤀 昀漀甀渀搀 愀 瘀攀爀礀 渀椀挀攀 洀愀渀 ㄀　 礀攀愀爀猀 
younger than I and married him.  I felt I loved him and the sexual attraction will grow.  I managed not ਀琀漀 昀愀氀氀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 眀漀洀攀渀 戀礀 渀漀琀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀猀 眀椀琀栀 眀漀洀攀渀⸀  圀攀 愀搀漀瀀琀攀搀 愀 戀愀戀礀⸀  吀栀攀渀 䤀 洀攀琀 
another married woman and we became friends.  The feelings came back.਀
I went into therapy with the intention of trying to rid myself of my feelings for women to save ਀洀礀 洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀⸀  䄀昀琀攀爀 愀 礀攀愀爀 漀昀 琀栀攀爀愀瀀礀Ⰰ 䤀 挀愀洀攀 琀漀 愀 瀀漀椀渀琀 眀栀攀爀攀 䤀 眀愀猀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最 瘀攀爀礀 猀甀椀挀椀搀愀氀 愀渀搀 最甀椀氀琀礀 
about deceiving my husband all the years of our marriage.  I knew I had to come out to live. ਀
I came out as a lesbian  to my husband and my parents one month ago.  We are still living together ਀戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 眀攀 挀愀渀渀漀琀 愀昀昀漀爀搀 琀眀漀 瀀氀愀挀攀猀⸀  䤀 愀洀 氀漀漀欀椀渀最 昀漀爀 攀砀琀爀愀 眀漀爀欀 猀漀 䤀 挀愀渀 最攀琀 愀渀 愀瀀愀爀琀洀攀渀琀⸀  䤀 猀琀椀氀氀 
have not had sex with a woman.  I find myself now in love with another woman who is "off limits."  At ਀琀栀攀 愀最攀 漀昀 㔀　Ⰰ 䤀 愀洀 爀攀氀椀瘀椀渀最 洀礀 愀搀漀氀攀猀挀攀渀挀攀Ⰰ 琀爀礀椀渀最 琀漀 洀攀攀琀 漀琀栀攀爀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀猀 愀渀搀 氀攀愀爀渀 琀栀攀 椀渀猀 愀渀搀 漀甀琀猀 漀昀 
dating other women.  I hope it is not too late for me.਀
਀
Story 56਀
Coming out age: 39਀
I am J9 and at 37 years of age started having "dreams" of a dear friend whom I knew was a lesbian.  ਀䤀 琀漀氀搀 栀攀爀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 椀渀 愀 瀀愀爀欀椀渀最 氀漀琀 愀琀 愀最攀 ㌀㠀⸀  圀攀 搀攀挀椀搀攀搀 琀漀 洀攀攀琀 琀漀 搀椀猀挀甀猀猀 琀栀攀猀攀 琀栀椀渀最猀 愀渀搀 琀栀甀猀 
began an intense love affair.  I was hit broadside.  I have never considered myself "gay" and suddenly ਀眀愀猀 椀渀 琀栀攀 戀攀猀琀 洀漀猀琀 猀愀琀椀猀昀礀椀渀最 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀⸀  
਀匀漀 䤀 愀洀 猀琀爀甀最最氀椀渀最 栀攀爀攀⸀ 䠀甀猀戀愀渀搀 昀漀甀渀搀 漀甀琀 椀渀 䴀愀爀挀栀 漀昀 琀栀椀猀 礀攀愀爀 愀渀搀 眀攀 愀爀攀 ∀琀爀礀椀渀最∀ 戀甀琀 猀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最 
internally has shifted for me.  I love him but it is not the same anymore.  She and I love each other ਀瘀攀爀礀 洀甀挀栀Ⰰ 愀爀攀 挀漀洀洀甀渀椀挀愀琀椀渀最 戀甀琀 渀漀琀 ∀猀攀攀椀渀最∀ 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀 甀渀琀椀氀 䤀 昀椀最甀爀攀 漀甀琀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀渀琀 椀渀 氀椀昀攀⸀  
਀嘀攀爀礀 搀椀昀昀椀挀甀氀琀 猀瀀漀琀 琀漀 戀攀 椀渀 戀甀琀 栀愀猀 戀攀攀渀 氀椀昀攀 琀爀愀渀猀昀漀爀洀椀渀最 椀渀 瀀漀猀椀琀椀瘀攀 眀愀礀猀 愀氀猀漀⸀  䤀 愀洀 戀攀挀漀洀椀渀最 洀漀爀攀 
adult in my interactions with others, especially my husband and that has improved our relationship for ਀琀栀攀  戀攀琀琀攀爀Ⰰ 爀攀最愀爀搀氀攀猀猀 漀昀 漀甀琀挀漀洀攀⸀  䤀 愀瀀瀀氀椀攀搀 愀渀搀 最漀琀 愀 昀愀挀甀氀琀礀 瀀漀猀椀琀椀漀渀 琀攀愀挀栀椀渀最 愀琀 愀 氀漀挀愀氀 挀漀氀氀攀最攀 
in light of the fact that I may need to support myself after 7 years of staying at home with kids.  ਀吀栀椀猀 栀愀猀 戀甀椀氀琀 洀礀 猀攀氀昀 攀猀琀攀攀洀 挀漀渀猀椀搀攀爀愀戀氀礀 攀瘀攀渀 琀栀漀甀最栀 䤀 洀椀猀猀 琀栀攀 䘀爀椀搀愀礀猀 漀昀昀℀  匀漀 椀琀 椀猀 愀氀氀 愀 樀漀甀爀渀攀礀 
and I am trying to focus on the fact that this is where I am supposed to be but it sure is gut wrenching ਀愀渀搀 挀漀渀昀甀猀椀渀最 愀猀 挀愀渀 戀攀⸀  
਀
਀匀琀漀爀礀 㔀㜀
਀䌀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀 愀最攀㨀  㔀　
਀䤀 愀洀 愀 眀漀洀愀渀 琀栀愀琀 椀猀 昀甀氀氀 漀昀 焀甀攀猀琀椀漀渀猀⸀  䤀渀 ㈀　　㐀 䤀 
turned 50 and my life changed, I believe for the ਀戀攀琀琀攀爀Ⰰ 洀礀 昀愀洀椀氀礀 樀甀猀琀 琀栀椀渀欀猀 椀琀 椀猀 愀 洀椀搀ⴀ氀椀昀攀 挀爀椀猀椀猀⸀
਀䤀渀 䘀攀戀爀甀愀爀礀 漀昀 ㈀　　㐀 䤀 眀愀氀欀攀搀 椀渀琀漀 愀 栀愀氀氀 漀昀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 
playing darts with my husband and saw a woman (S) at ਀琀栀攀 攀渀搀 漀昀 琀栀攀 爀漀漀洀⸀  匀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最 椀渀猀椀搀攀 漀昀 洀攀 眀攀渀琀 稀椀渀最⸀  
A few days later I was at a banquet in the same hall.  ਀匀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀 漀昀 㠀 礀攀愀爀猀⸀  䤀 猀愀琀 眀椀琀栀 
them during dinner and asked a lot of questions.  They ਀眀攀爀攀 瘀攀爀礀 栀漀渀攀猀琀 愀渀搀 甀瀀昀爀漀渀琀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀 愀渀猀眀攀爀猀⸀  
਀匀栀漀爀琀氀礀 愀昀琀攀爀 琀栀椀猀 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 ⠀漀昀 ㌀㈀ 礀攀愀爀猀⤀Ⰰ 琀眀漀 漀昀 漀甀爀 
grandchildren (that we have custody of) and myself went on ਀愀 琀爀椀瀀 琀漀 䈀䌀 琀漀 瘀椀猀椀琀 漀甀爀 猀漀渀Ⰰ 栀椀猀 眀椀昀攀 愀渀搀 渀攀眀 
daughter.  In March we came home with our son and his family ਀眀椀琀栀 甀猀⸀  吀栀攀 搀愀礀 愀昀琀攀爀 挀漀洀椀渀最 栀漀洀攀Ⰰ 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 栀愀搀 
darts in the same place again and I went with him.  S ਀眀愀猀 琀栀攀爀攀 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 琀攀氀氀猀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 氀漀漀欀攀搀 昀漀爀 栀攀爀 愀渀搀 渀漀 
one else and walked straight to her, received a big ਀栀甀最 愀渀搀 欀椀猀猀 愀渀搀 搀椀搀 渀漀琀 愀挀欀渀漀眀氀攀搀最攀 愀渀礀漀渀攀 攀氀猀攀 椀渀 琀栀攀 
building until after that hug.਀
In April, shortly after my birthday, was the ਀戀愀渀焀甀攀琀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 搀愀爀琀 氀攀愀最甀攀⸀  䤀 愀最愀椀渀 猀愀琀 眀椀琀栀 匀 愀渀搀 栀攀爀 
partner and my husband.  They have all known each other ਀昀漀爀 愀 渀甀洀戀攀爀 漀昀 礀攀愀爀猀⸀  䤀 愀最愀椀渀 愀猀欀攀搀 猀漀洀攀 焀甀攀猀琀椀漀渀猀 
and had them answered to the best of their ability.  ਀䄀琀 琀栀椀猀 琀椀洀攀 䤀 栀愀搀 渀漀 椀搀攀愀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最Ⰰ 戀甀琀 
knew that nothing could be done about it because I had ਀愀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 栀愀搀 愀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀⸀  䄀爀漀甀渀搀 琀栀攀 攀渀搀 漀昀 
April she called me with an income tax question and I ਀琀漀氀搀 栀攀爀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 挀漀洀攀 漀瘀攀爀 琀漀 琀栀攀 栀漀甀猀攀 愀渀搀 栀攀氀瀀 
her with it.  I informed my husband where I was going ਀愀渀搀 栀攀 猀愀椀搀 椀琀 眀愀猀 昀椀渀攀 眀椀琀栀 栀椀洀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 栀攀 欀渀攀眀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 
wasn't interested in that type of thing.  After ਀昀椀渀椀猀栀椀渀最 栀攀爀 椀渀挀漀洀攀 琀愀砀 眀攀 琀愀氀欀攀搀 昀漀爀 焀甀椀琀攀 愀 眀栀椀氀攀 愀戀漀甀琀 
what I was feeling and if I had ever had these types of ਀昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 戀攀昀漀爀攀⸀  䤀琀 眀愀猀 挀漀渀昀甀猀椀渀最 昀漀爀 洀攀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 
beginning to understand how attracted to her I was.  ਀
For the next couple of weeks I stayed away from her so ਀琀栀愀琀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 昀椀最甀爀攀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 漀甀琀⸀  匀栀攀 挀愀氀氀攀搀 愀渀搀 眀攀 最漀琀 
together again and talked some more.  In May, her and ਀栀攀爀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀 猀瀀氀椀琀 甀瀀 ⠀栀攀爀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀 栀愀搀 愀氀爀攀愀搀礀 洀漀瘀攀搀 
out two years ago), and we started seeing each other.  ਀䤀渀 䨀甀渀攀 眀攀 栀愀搀 漀甀爀 昀椀爀猀琀 猀攀砀甀愀氀 攀渀挀漀甀渀琀攀爀 愀渀搀 椀琀 眀愀猀 
the most wonderful afternoon of my life.  Shortly after ਀琀栀愀琀 䤀 洀攀琀 愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 漀昀 洀礀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀⠀眀栀漀 椀猀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⤀ 
whom I have known for eight years, I told her that I had ਀栀愀搀 琀栀攀 洀漀猀琀 眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀 攀砀瀀攀爀椀攀渀挀攀 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 
said Oh, you finally figured it out, did you.  At first ਀䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 焀甀椀琀攀 甀渀搀攀爀猀琀愀渀搀 眀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 洀攀愀渀琀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 猀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 
that she knew about me the first time she met me 8 ਀礀攀愀爀猀 愀最漀⸀ 䤀琀 眀愀猀 愀 猀栀漀挀欀 琀漀 洀攀⸀
਀吀栀椀猀 愀昀昀愀椀爀 眀攀渀琀 漀渀 甀渀琀椀氀 琀栀攀 洀椀搀搀氀攀 漀昀 䨀甀氀礀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 
at camp with her for the weekend and my husband ਀搀攀挀椀搀攀搀 琀漀 挀漀洀攀 漀甀琀 琀栀攀爀攀⸀  䤀琀 眀愀猀 栀椀猀 戀椀爀琀栀搀愀礀⸀  匀 最漀琀 瘀攀爀礀 
upset and kept telling me that since he was there I ਀洀椀最栀琀 愀猀 眀攀氀氀 最漀 栀漀洀攀 眀椀琀栀 栀椀洀Ⰰ  眀攀 栀愀搀 愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 搀愀礀 琀漀 
spend together but I went home as she was pushing me ਀愀眀愀礀⸀  圀攀 琀愀氀欀攀搀 愀 昀攀眀 搀愀礀猀 氀愀琀攀爀 愀渀搀 攀瘀攀爀礀琀栀椀渀最 眀愀猀 
over.  At this point I told my husband about us and all ਀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 眀愀猀 琀栀愀琀 栀攀 欀攀瀀琀 栀漀瀀椀渀最 栀攀 眀愀猀 眀爀漀渀最 愀戀漀甀琀 眀栀愀琀 
we were doing.  I assured him he wasn't, but he still ਀搀椀搀渀✀琀 眀愀渀琀 琀漀 猀攀瀀愀爀愀琀攀⸀
਀䤀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 琀攀氀氀椀渀最 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 漀甀琀 漀昀 
the relationship since June, but he wasn't listening.  ਀䄀琀 琀栀攀 攀渀搀 漀昀 匀攀瀀琀攀洀戀攀爀 眀攀 眀攀爀攀 漀甀琀 猀漀洀攀眀栀攀爀攀 
together, had a fight and he left me there, with no way home.  ਀匀 漀昀昀攀爀攀搀 琀漀 搀爀椀瘀攀 洀攀 栀漀洀攀 愀渀搀 眀攀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 琀愀氀欀椀渀最 
again.  The next day I started looking for apartments or ਀栀漀甀猀攀猀 昀漀爀 爀攀渀琀Ⰰ 昀漀爀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 愀渀搀 洀礀 琀眀漀 最爀愀渀搀挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀⸀  
My husband asked what I was doing, so I told him and ਀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 渀漀琀 琀漀 戀漀琀栀攀爀 琀栀愀琀 栀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 洀漀瘀攀 漀甀琀⸀  䠀攀 眀愀猀 
gone in two days.਀
S and I have started our relationship again in ਀一漀瘀攀洀戀攀爀Ⰰ 眀攀 猀琀愀礀 愀琀 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀猀 栀漀洀攀猀 漀渀 眀攀攀欀攀渀搀猀⸀  
Mostly I go there as there isn't any children and it's ਀焀甀椀攀琀⸀  䴀礀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 漀渀攀猀 樀甀猀琀 氀漀瘀攀 栀攀爀 愀渀搀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 愀猀欀 栀攀爀 
when she is coming over again.਀
I believe our relationship is going to be very ਀爀漀挀欀礀Ⰰ 猀栀攀 搀漀攀猀渀✀琀 氀椀欀攀 琀栀攀 椀搀攀愀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 猀琀椀氀氀 栀愀瘀攀 愀 
relationship with my ex, and that we talk or see each other ਀愀 昀攀眀 琀椀洀攀猀 愀 眀攀攀欀⸀  圀攀 愀氀氀 瀀氀愀礀 椀渀 琀栀攀 猀愀洀攀 搀愀爀琀 
league on Thursdays.  We do love each other but the trust ਀琀栀椀渀最 猀攀攀洀猀 琀漀 戀攀 漀渀攀 漀昀 琀栀攀 栀愀爀搀攀猀琀 琀栀椀渀最猀 昀漀爀 栀攀爀⸀
I still have not told anyone in my family, except ਀洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀Ⰰ 洀礀 猀漀渀 愀渀搀 漀渀攀 搀愀甀最栀琀攀爀 眀栀漀 栀愀瘀攀 昀椀最甀爀攀搀 椀琀 
out on their own.  My mother lives in Arizona for six ਀洀漀渀琀栀猀 攀瘀攀爀礀 礀攀愀爀 愀渀搀 爀攀琀甀爀渀猀 琀漀 䌀愀渀愀搀愀 椀渀 琀椀洀攀 昀漀爀 洀礀 
birthday in April.  I also have two brothers and don't ਀欀渀漀眀 栀漀眀 琀栀攀礀 眀椀氀氀 爀攀愀挀琀⸀  䤀 挀愀渀 漀渀氀礀 栀漀瀀攀 琀栀愀琀 琀栀攀礀 
will not reject me.਀
Even if it doesn't work out, I still believe that ਀琀栀椀猀 椀猀 漀渀攀 漀昀 琀栀攀 洀漀猀琀 眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀 琀栀椀渀最猀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 
ever done for myself.਀
਀
Story 58਀
COMING OUT AGE: 40਀
Ok what can I say I am not a writer. Im still trying to come to grips ਀眀椀琀栀 琀栀椀猀 眀愀猀 椀琀 愀渀 愀昀昀愀椀爀 椀猀 琀栀椀猀 昀漀爀 爀攀愀氀 椀猀 琀栀椀猀 眀栀漀 䤀 愀洀⸀
਀吀栀椀猀 瀀愀猀琀 猀甀洀洀攀爀 䤀 洀攀琀 愀 眀漀洀攀渀 椀渀 愀 猀甀瀀瀀漀爀琀 最爀漀甀瀀 䤀 最漀 琀漀 䤀 欀渀攀眀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀ 
It started out as just friends hanging out with a lot of people. Than we started ਀眀愀琀挀栀椀渀最 洀漀瘀椀攀猀 愀琀 栀攀爀 愀瀀愀爀琀洀攀渀琀 漀渀 眀攀攀欀攀渀搀猀⸀ 䤀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 猀瀀攀渀搀椀渀最 洀漀猀琀 䘀爀椀 愀渀搀 匀愀琀 
nights at her place just talking all night till I fell a sleep her on the floor and ਀洀攀 漀渀 琀栀攀 挀漀甀挀栀⸀ 
਀匀栀攀 氀漀猀琀 栀攀爀 樀漀戀 愀渀搀 挀漀甀氀搀 渀漀 氀漀渀最攀爀 愀昀昀漀爀搀 栀攀爀 愀瀀愀爀琀洀攀渀琀⸀ 圀攀 栀愀搀 琀愀氀欀攀搀 愀戀漀甀琀 栀攀爀 
renting a room from me when her my daughter went to college. A friend who is bi called ਀琀栀攀 搀愀礀 愀昀琀攀爀 洀礀 搀愀甀最栀琀攀爀 洀漀瘀攀搀 漀甀琀 愀渀搀 愀猀欀攀搀 琀漀 猀琀愀礀⸀ 䤀 爀攀渀琀攀搀 栀攀爀 洀礀 搀愀甀最栀琀攀爀猀 爀漀漀洀⸀ 
This friend L was not happy with my decision. I told her she could have my room and I ਀眀漀甀氀搀 氀椀瘀攀 椀渀 琀栀攀 氀椀瘀椀渀最 爀漀漀洀⸀ 匀栀攀 眀愀猀 猀漀 最漀漀搀 昀漀爀 洀攀 眀攀 洀漀瘀攀搀 愀氀氀 洀礀 漀氀搀 樀甀渀欀 漀甀琀 愀渀搀 
set her up. I got to throw out a lot of junk I am a pack rat. She moved in with e. also living there. ਀䰀 眀漀甀氀搀 欀攀攀瀀 栀攀爀 琀栀椀渀最猀 椀渀 栀攀爀 爀漀漀洀 愀渀搀 猀氀攀攀瀀 椀渀 琀栀攀 氀椀瘀椀渀最 爀漀漀洀 眀椀琀栀 洀攀 漀渀 漀瀀瀀漀猀椀琀攀 挀漀甀挀栀攀猀⸀ 
We would talk all night long till I fell a slseep first most of the time.਀
I had started questioning my self when we first met and went into therapy. I had had thoughts ਀椀渀 洀礀 攀愀爀氀礀 ㈀　猀 愀戀漀甀琀 眀漀洀攀渀 愀渀搀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 渀攀瘀攀爀 戀攀 愀戀氀攀 琀漀 搀漀 椀琀⸀ 匀漀 䤀 琀爀椀攀搀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 
more relationships with men. I never did anything about it for it years. Now I am 40 and have ਀栀愀搀 洀礀 昀椀爀猀琀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 眀椀琀栀 愀 眀漀洀攀渀⸀ 匀栀攀 椀猀 ㌀　 ⸀ ㄀　 礀攀愀爀猀 礀漀甀渀最攀爀 愀渀搀 戀攀愀甀琀椀昀甀氀 愀渀搀 戀甀琀挀栀⸀ 
਀䤀 栀愀瘀攀 渀攀瘀攀爀 栀愀搀 愀猀 椀渀琀椀洀愀琀攀 愀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀 漀爀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 眀椀琀栀 愀渀礀漀渀攀 椀渀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 栀愀瘀攀 渀攀瘀攀爀 
felt so happy so safe and wanting to be so giving to a person. This went on for 4 months before ਀䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀 氀攀琀 栀攀爀 欀渀漀眀 䤀 栀愀搀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 愀琀 琀栀椀猀 瀀漀椀渀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 昀椀最甀爀攀搀 漀甀琀 猀栀攀 栀愀搀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 昀漀爀 洀攀⸀ 
Even though she would talk to me about me in 3rd person. I knew it was me. We talked every day ਀愀渀搀 琀攀砀琀 猀漀 洀愀渀礀 琀椀洀攀猀 愀 搀愀礀⸀ 䤀 愀氀猀漀 最漀琀 栀攀爀 愀 樀漀戀 眀栀攀爀攀 䤀 眀漀爀欀 眀攀 眀漀爀欀攀搀 搀椀昀昀攀爀攀渀琀 猀栀椀昀琀猀⸀ 
I would work days come home and take a nap so I could stay up and talk when she got home. ਀䠀椀渀琀猀 眀攀爀攀 搀爀漀瀀瀀攀搀 愀氀氀 漀瘀攀爀  琀栀攀 瀀氀愀挀攀 琀栀攀 昀氀椀爀琀椀渀最 琀攀砀琀猀 眀攀爀攀 琀栀攀爀攀⸀ 圀栀愀琀 搀漀 䤀 搀漀 栀漀眀 搀漀 䤀 琀攀氀氀 栀攀爀⸀ 
Didn't the flirting texts mean anything, How could she not know. She thinks I am unavailable. ਀䤀洀 渀漀琀 猀甀爀攀 椀昀 䤀 愀洀 漀爀 渀漀琀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 猀甀爀攀 眀愀渀琀 琀漀 琀爀礀⸀
਀伀渀攀 渀椀最栀琀 猀栀攀 愀猀欀猀 洀攀 琀漀 挀漀洀攀 甀瀀 琀漀 栀攀爀 爀漀漀洀 愀渀搀 栀愀渀最 愀渀搀 眀愀琀挀栀 愀 洀漀瘀椀攀 猀椀渀挀攀 漀甀爀 漀琀栀攀爀 爀漀漀洀 洀愀琀攀 
is home. We fall asleep with our heads touching each other facing the opposite way. I wake up and ਀䤀 栀愀瘀攀 琀漀 氀攀琀 栀攀爀 欀渀漀眀 䤀 琀漀甀挀栀 栀攀爀 猀栀漀甀氀搀攀爀 愀渀搀 猀琀爀漀欀攀 栀攀爀 栀愀椀爀 戀愀挀欀⸀⸀ 匀栀攀 椀猀 攀砀挀椀琀攀搀 猀栀攀 最攀琀猀 琀栀攀 
hit. We lay there half the morning just holding hands looking at each other. I cant believe this is ਀栀愀瀀瀀攀渀椀渀最⸀ 䤀 眀愀渀琀 栀攀爀 琀漀 欀椀猀猀 洀攀 ⸀ 圀椀氀氀 猀栀攀 眀栀攀渀 眀椀氀氀 猀栀攀⸀ 匀栀攀 愀猀欀猀 洀攀 眀栀礀 䤀 愀洀 氀攀琀琀椀渀最 栀攀爀 欀渀漀眀 渀漀眀⸀⸀ 
I tell her it is driving me crazy. and I thought it was driving me crazy. What am I saying it was ਀搀爀椀瘀椀渀最 洀攀 挀爀愀稀礀⸀ 圀攀 爀甀渀 昀攀眀 攀爀爀愀渀搀猀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 搀愀礀 愀渀搀 栀漀氀搀 栀愀渀搀猀 琀栀攀 眀栀漀氀攀 琀椀洀攀⸀ 䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀 最漀 漀甀琀 眀椀琀栀 
some old friends that night. It drove me crazy I just wanted to get home to her. When I got home she ਀猀栀攀 栀愀搀 琀栀攀 挀愀渀搀氀攀猀 最漀椀渀最 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 昀爀攀猀栀氀礀 猀栀漀眀攀爀攀搀⸀ 䤀 氀愀礀 渀攀砀琀 琀漀 栀攀爀 琀栀椀猀 琀椀洀攀 昀愀挀椀渀最 栀攀爀 ⸀ 圀攀 樀甀猀琀 
stare at each other for the longest time.. Finally she does it she kisses me IT drives me crazy. ਀圀䔀 洀愀搀攀 氀漀瘀攀 琀栀愀琀 渀椀最栀琀 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 猀漀 欀椀渀搀 猀漀 最攀渀琀氀攀⸀ 匀漀 挀漀渀挀攀爀渀攀搀 愀戀漀甀琀 洀攀 最漀椀渀最 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 琀栀椀猀 昀漀爀 
the first time. For almost 3 weeks this go ons an one day she tells me she thought she saw my ex boyfriend.. ਀䤀 愀猀欀 栀攀爀 椀昀 猀栀攀 琀漀氀搀 栀椀洀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 洀礀 最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀⸀ 渀漀 爀攀猀瀀漀渀猀攀 椀猀 琀栀愀琀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 愀洀⸀⸀ 夀攀猀 䤀 琀栀椀渀欀 戀甀琀 搀漀渀琀 猀愀礀 
what am I your landlord and you just sleep with me?਀
The end of it all from a smart ass comment.. I was so confused.. Asking her to talk to me she ran a way. ਀匀栀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 渀漀琀 挀漀洀攀 栀漀洀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 渀漀琀 琀愀氀欀 琀漀 洀攀⸀ 䤀 昀椀渀愀氀礀 最漀琀 栀攀爀 琀漀 琀愀氀欀 琀漀 洀攀 漀渀攀 搀愀礀⸀⸀ 圀栀愀琀 眀愀猀 椀琀 挀漀渀焀甀攀爀 
the straight girl? NO I made the first move.. Please you set  it up for 4 months. I was in love at this time.. ਀䌀漀洀瀀氀攀琀攀氀礀 栀攀愀搀 漀瘀攀爀 栀攀愀氀猀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 渀甀琀猀⸀ 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 渀漀琀 昀椀最甀爀攀 琀栀椀猀 漀甀琀 栀漀眀⸀ 挀漀甀氀搀 眀攀 戀攀 猀漀 挀氀漀猀攀 昀漀爀 猀漀 氀漀渀最 愀渀搀 
wam nothing. I was not the bad guy or girl :) here. I was  guilty of loving someone and letting them in an get ਀猀漀 挀氀漀猀攀⸀ 䤀 搀漀渀琀 琀栀椀渀欀 猀栀攀 攀瘀攀爀 栀愀搀 猀漀洀攀漀渀攀 琀栀椀猀 挀氀漀猀攀⸀ 匀栀攀 洀漀爀攀 漀爀 氀攀猀猀 猀愀椀搀 琀栀椀猀 琀栀愀琀 渀椀最栀琀⸀⸀ 䤀琀 栀愀搀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 
been straight women she was with except her ex of 10 years who totally devastated her almost a year a go at ਀琀栀椀猀 琀椀洀攀⸀ 匀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 琀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀 愀氀氀 栀漀甀猀攀眀椀瘀攀猀 愀渀搀 眀攀爀攀 漀欀愀礀 眀栀攀渀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 搀漀渀攀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀洀 戀甀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 渀漀琀⸀  
਀䤀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 愀琀 琀栀椀猀 瀀漀椀渀琀 攀瘀攀爀礀漀渀攀 眀愀猀 瘀攀爀礀 猀甀瀀瀀漀爀琀攀搀 漀昀 洀攀 琀攀氀氀椀渀最 洀攀 䤀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀 瘀椀挀琀椀洀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 渀漀琀 
a victim I was an active participant and a very willing one I must say. People starting telling me storys how she ਀栀愀搀 搀漀渀攀 琀栀椀猀 琀漀 漀琀栀攀爀 眀漀洀攀渀 愀渀搀 氀椀欀攀 琀漀 戀攀 琀栀攀椀爀 昀椀爀猀琀⸀ 䤀 愀洀 猀琀椀氀氀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 愀渀搀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀愀欀攀 栀攀爀 戀愀挀欀 椀渀 愀 
heart beat. I am giving my self time not getting into a relationship just yet. I am seeking out ways of meeting ਀漀琀栀攀爀 眀漀洀攀渀⸀ 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 琀漀 氀攀琀 䜀漀搀 搀攀挀椀搀攀 眀栀愀琀 椀猀 椀渀 猀琀漀爀攀 昀漀爀 洀攀⸀ 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 洀攀琀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀椀瘀攀 昀攀洀洀攀 
women. Im just waiting for the right person.. Am I lesbian.. I sure love women. Im 40 and Im open.਀
਀
਀匀琀漀爀礀 㔀㤀
਀䌀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀 愀最攀㨀 㐀㌀
਀䤀  眀愀猀 猀攀砀甀愀氀氀礀 愀戀甀猀攀搀 戀礀 ㌀ 甀渀挀氀攀猀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 愀 挀栀椀氀搀⸀  
As an adult dealing with it, I had been in therapy, ਀戀甀琀 眀愀猀 猀琀椀氀氀 猀琀爀甀最最氀椀渀最 眀椀琀栀 椀琀 愀氀氀⸀  䤀 樀漀椀渀攀搀 愀 
message board for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.਀
At the same time this was going on, I was finding ਀洀礀猀攀氀昀 洀漀爀攀 愀渀搀 洀漀爀攀 椀渀昀愀琀甀愀琀攀搀 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 昀攀洀愀氀攀 戀甀猀椀渀攀猀猀 
partner, a woman with whom I had been friends for over ਀㄀　 礀攀愀爀猀⸀  吀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 愀 瀀漀猀琀 漀渀 琀栀攀 洀攀猀猀愀最攀 戀漀愀爀搀 琀椀琀氀攀搀 
"Am I Gay?"  I responded to it that I was questioning ਀洀礀 猀攀砀甀愀氀椀琀礀Ⰰ 昀攀氀琀 氀椀欀攀 䤀 眀愀猀 昀愀氀氀椀渀最 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 
business partner, and was in an awful marriage and had ਀戀攀攀渀 昀漀爀 漀瘀攀爀 ㈀　 礀攀愀爀猀⸀
਀䄀 眀漀洀愀渀 猀攀渀琀 洀攀 愀 瀀爀椀瘀愀琀攀 洀攀猀猀愀最攀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 琀栀攀 洀攀猀猀愀最攀 
board that she had been having the same feelings, and ਀椀渀 昀愀挀琀Ⰰ 眀愀猀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 愀渀 愀昀昀愀椀爀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 戀攀猀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀⸀
਀圀攀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 愀渀 攀ⴀ洀愀椀氀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 猀甀戀猀攀焀甀攀渀琀Ⰰ 䴀匀一 挀漀渀瘀攀爀猀愀琀椀漀渀 
that lasted for months.  At the time, I finally told ਀洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 愀 搀椀瘀漀爀挀攀⸀  䠀椀猀 搀爀椀渀欀椀渀最 愀渀搀 
abusiveness was reaching an all time high and I'd had ਀攀渀漀甀最栀⸀
਀吀栀攀 眀漀洀愀渀 眀愀猀 瘀攀爀礀 猀甀瀀瀀漀爀琀椀瘀攀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 愀氀氀 漀昀 琀栀攀 
issues associated with my divorce, and she needed support ਀愀猀 眀攀氀氀 愀猀 栀攀爀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀猀 眀椀琀栀 戀漀琀栀 栀攀爀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 愀渀搀 
her best friend were falling apart.  After over 6 ਀洀漀渀琀栀猀 漀昀 搀攀攀瀀Ⰰ 氀漀渀最 挀漀渀瘀攀爀猀愀琀椀漀渀猀Ⰰ 眀攀 挀漀渀昀攀猀猀攀搀 琀漀 攀愀挀栀 
other how we felt.਀
There were problems.  I live in the US and she lives ਀椀渀 琀栀攀 唀䬀⸀  䈀甀琀 戀漀琀栀 漀昀 甀猀 欀渀攀眀 眀攀 栀愀搀 昀漀甀渀搀 漀甀爀 猀漀甀氀 
mates.  We met in person 2 months after our ਀挀漀渀昀攀猀猀椀漀渀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 琀爀愀瘀攀氀攀搀 琀漀 吀漀爀漀渀琀漀 㜀 洀漀渀琀栀猀 氀愀琀攀爀 愀渀搀 眀攀爀攀 
married.  We are still trying to work out immigration ਀椀猀猀甀攀猀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 栀攀爀 昀愀洀椀氀礀 愀渀搀 洀礀 欀椀搀猀 栀愀瘀攀 戀攀攀渀 瘀攀爀礀 
supportive.਀
My father is finally coming around after initially ਀琀攀氀氀椀渀最 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 栀攀 渀攀瘀攀爀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 栀攀愀爀 愀戀漀甀琀 洀礀 眀椀昀攀 
after I first told him about her.਀
However, I've lost most of my friends, including the ਀渀漀眀 攀砀ⴀ戀甀猀椀渀攀猀猀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀⸀  䴀礀 戀爀漀琀栀攀爀 椀猀 愀氀猀漀 挀漀洀瀀氀攀琀攀氀礀 
disgusted by me and refuses to talk to me and only ਀爀攀昀攀爀猀 琀漀 洀礀 戀礀 瘀攀爀礀 搀攀爀漀最愀琀漀爀礀 渀愀洀攀猀⸀
਀䔀瘀攀渀 眀椀琀栀 愀氀氀 琀栀攀 琀爀椀愀氀猀 愀渀搀 琀爀椀戀甀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀Ⰰ 䤀 昀攀攀氀 洀漀爀攀 
at peace with myself, and content in who I am that ਀攀瘀攀爀⸀  䤀✀洀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 昀椀爀猀琀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 氀愀猀琀Ⰰ 琀椀洀攀 椀渀 洀礀 
life.਀
਀
Story 60਀
Coming out age: 33਀
਀䤀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 昀漀爀 ㄀㈀ 礀攀愀爀猀 琀漀 愀 瘀攀爀礀 猀眀攀攀琀 洀愀渀 
and had two children. We were relatively happy, but not ਀爀攀愀氀氀礀 挀漀渀渀攀挀琀攀搀⸀ 吀栀攀渀 䤀 洀攀琀 ∀匀∀ 愀渀搀 琀栀漀甀最栀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 
happily involved and wouldn't leave that relationship for ਀洀攀Ⰰ 䤀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 愀氀氀 琀栀漀猀攀 ✀挀爀甀猀栀攀猀✀ 䤀 栀愀搀 栀愀搀 漀渀 
women throughout my life were because I was gay! It was ਀愀 爀愀搀椀愀渀琀Ⰰ 樀漀礀漀甀猀 愀眀愀欀攀渀椀渀最Ⰰ 昀漀氀氀漀眀攀搀 戀礀 挀漀渀昀甀猀椀漀渀 愀渀搀 
frustration! ਀
After two years of counseling, both alone ਀愀渀搀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀Ⰰ 栀攀 愀渀搀 䤀 搀椀瘀漀爀挀攀搀⸀ 吀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 渀漀 漀渀攀 
else... just a longing for a relationship and a connection ਀琀漀 愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀ 䤀 搀愀琀攀搀 昀漀爀 愀戀漀甀琀 愀 礀攀愀爀 愀渀搀 愀 栀愀氀昀 
and then met "L." She is the most amazing person I ਀欀渀漀眀 愀渀搀 䤀 愀戀猀漀氀甀琀攀氀礀 氀漀瘀攀 栀攀爀℀ 伀甀爀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 栀愀猀 
grown and blossomed into a partnership and we celebrated a ਀挀漀洀洀椀琀洀攀渀琀 挀攀爀攀洀漀渀礀 琀眀漀 洀漀渀琀栀猀 愀最漀⸀ 
਀䤀琀 栀愀猀 渀漀琀 戀攀攀渀 攀愀猀礀⸀⸀⸀ 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 最漀 漀渀 昀漀爀 栀漀甀爀猀 愀戀漀甀琀 琀栀攀 昀攀愀爀Ⰰ 最甀椀氀琀Ⰰ 
anger, and shame I have felt during the past few years. ਀䈀甀琀 䤀 欀渀漀眀 椀渀 洀礀 栀攀愀爀琀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 愀洀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 氀椀瘀椀渀最 琀栀攀 
life I was meant to live and I have discovered a ਀瀀爀漀昀漀甀渀搀 昀爀攀攀搀漀洀 椀渀 猀椀洀瀀氀礀 戀攀椀渀最 洀礀猀攀氀昀⸀ 䴀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀 栀愀瘀攀 
adjusted well and I feel certain that I have set an ਀攀砀愀洀瀀氀攀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀洀 琀栀愀琀 眀攀 䄀䰀䰀 搀攀猀攀爀瘀攀 琀漀 氀椀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 瀀攀愀挀攀 愀渀搀 
happiness in our hearts... ਀
਀
Story 61਀
COMING OUT AGE:  64਀
I am a counselor.  I had a client whose Lesbian mother ਀搀椀攀搀 漀昀 挀愀渀挀攀爀 戀愀挀欀 椀渀 一漀瘀攀洀戀攀爀⸀  䤀 栀椀琀 愀 眀愀氀氀⸀  䤀 
couldn't stop crying over the woman.  I watched "If this ਀栀漀甀猀攀 挀漀甀氀搀 琀愀氀欀 ㈀∀ 愀渀搀 挀爀椀攀搀 漀瘀攀爀 嘀攀渀攀猀猀愀 刀攀搀最爀愀瘀攀 昀漀爀 
days.  ਀
Then one morning in January, I woke up.  I sat ਀甀瀀 椀渀 戀攀搀 愀渀搀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀搀 䤀 眀愀猀 琀漀琀愀氀氀礀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀Ⰰ 眀椀琀栀 
another woman.  I wound up with a story in my head, and ਀昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 眀爀漀琀攀 愀 戀漀漀欀 愀戀漀甀琀 琀眀漀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀猀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀⸀  䤀 洀攀琀 
with an old colleague of mine for coffee, and she told ਀洀攀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀  匀栀攀 昀氀愀猀栀攀搀 愀 挀甀琀攀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 最椀爀氀 
at me, and I couldn't get my tongue off the pavement.  ਀䤀 眀愀猀 琀漀琀愀氀氀礀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀⸀  
਀圀攀氀氀Ⰰ 䤀 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 挀漀甀渀猀攀氀椀渀最⸀  吀栀攀 挀漀甀渀猀攀氀漀爀 愀猀猀甀爀攀搀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 
feeling what any normal lesbian would feel.  I've been married for 17 ਀礀攀愀爀猀⸀  䴀礀 瀀漀漀爀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀Ⰰ 椀猀 猀栀漀挀欀攀搀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 猀甀瀀瀀漀爀琀椀瘀攀⸀  
਀䤀✀瘀攀 猀椀渀挀攀 眀爀椀琀琀攀渀 琀眀漀 洀漀爀攀 戀漀漀欀猀⸀  伀渀攀 愀戀漀甀琀 洀礀 昀椀爀猀琀 
love when I was 14 and she was in her 60's.  My ਀挀爀攀愀琀椀瘀攀 樀甀椀挀攀猀 愀爀攀 樀甀猀琀 最漀椀渀最 渀甀琀猀 猀椀渀挀攀 䤀 昀漀甀渀搀 洀礀猀攀氀昀⸀  
The friend doesn't feel like I do and has made it ਀瀀氀愀椀渀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀✀洀 氀漀瘀椀渀最 氀漀漀欀椀渀最 愀琀 眀漀洀攀渀 椀渀 愀 眀栀漀氀攀 渀攀眀 眀愀礀⸀  
I'm sure I'll find mine one of these days.  ਀
My counselor says I'm the first lesbian she's ever seen come out ਀眀爀椀琀椀渀最⸀  䤀✀洀 愀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 氀漀渀攀氀礀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 挀愀渀✀琀 眀愀椀琀 琀漀 洀攀攀琀 
someone, but the depression I've had since my first ਀氀漀瘀攀 搀椀攀搀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 ㄀㤀 椀猀 最漀渀攀⸀  䤀琀✀猀 眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀 琀漀 渀漀琀 
feel like an alien whose been put on the planet ਀眀椀琀栀漀甀琀 愀渀 椀渀猀琀爀甀挀琀椀漀渀 洀愀渀甀愀氀⸀  䤀 琀爀甀氀礀 昀攀攀氀 氀椀欀攀 愀 眀漀洀愀渀 
for the first time in my life.  Luckily, I'm a young 64, ਀猀漀 䤀✀瘀攀 最漀琀 愀 氀漀琀 漀昀 氀椀昀攀 琀漀 氀椀瘀攀 礀攀琀⸀  䄀渀礀眀愀礀Ⰰ 氀椀昀攀 椀猀 最爀攀愀琀⸀
਀
਀匀琀漀爀礀 㘀㈀
਀䌀伀䴀䤀一䜀 伀唀吀 䄀䜀䔀㨀  㐀㐀
਀䤀 眀愀猀 礀漀甀爀 琀礀瀀椀挀愀氀 琀漀洀戀漀礀 最爀漀眀椀渀最 甀瀀⸀⸀⸀攀瘀攀渀 琀栀漀甀最栀 洀礀 
mom tried to "make" me more of a girl, by dressing me ਀甀瀀Ⰰ 戀漀眀猀 椀渀 洀礀 栀愀椀爀Ⰰ 戀氀愀挀欀 瀀愀琀椀渀 猀栀漀攀猀Ⰰ 攀琀挀⸀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 
would jump out of those clothes into my more comfortable ਀瀀氀愀礀 挀氀漀琀栀攀猀 愀猀 猀漀漀渀 愀猀 瀀漀猀猀椀戀氀攀⸀  䴀礀 猀椀猀琀攀爀 眀愀猀 
opposite - she loved to dress up and be "girlie".  I loved ਀琀漀 洀愀欀攀 昀漀爀琀猀 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 戀爀漀琀栀攀爀 愀渀搀 爀椀搀攀 洀礀 戀椀欀攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 
play with my brother's toys.  I didn't want a doll, I ਀眀愀渀琀攀搀 愀 䜀⸀䤀⸀ 䨀漀攀⸀ 㨀⤀  䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 瀀氀愀礀 愀渀搀 洀愀欀攀 戀攀氀椀攀瘀攀 
with toy soldiers, and have "wars".਀
Around the time I was in junior high and having a ਀猀氀椀最栀琀 挀爀甀猀栀 漀渀 琀栀攀 戀漀礀 渀攀砀琀 搀漀漀爀Ⰰ 洀礀 搀愀搀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 琀漀 
sexually abuse me (and my sister, which I didn't know about ਀琀椀氀 洀甀挀栀 氀愀琀攀爀⤀⸀  䤀 昀攀氀琀 椀琀 眀愀猀 眀爀漀渀最⸀⸀⸀戀甀琀 洀礀 搀愀搀 眀愀猀 
a strong man and there was no way to stop him.  I did ਀琀攀氀氀 洀礀 洀漀洀 愀戀漀甀琀 椀琀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 椀洀洀攀搀椀愀琀攀氀礀 搀攀渀椀攀搀 椀琀 
and said that it wasn't possible that would happen.  So ਀洀甀挀栀 昀漀爀 漀瀀攀渀椀渀最 甀瀀 愀渀搀 琀爀礀椀渀最 琀漀 最攀琀 栀攀氀瀀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 戀攀椀渀最 
honest. :(  I never mentioned it again, and we never ਀琀愀氀欀攀搀 愀戀漀甀琀 椀琀⸀
਀䤀 眀愀猀渀✀琀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀攀搀 椀渀 戀漀礀猀 琀栀攀 爀攀猀琀 漀昀 洀礀 琀椀洀攀 椀渀 
school.  This was in the 1970's and the "hippie" time, ਀愀渀搀 愀 氀漀琀 漀昀 琀栀攀 戀漀礀猀 眀攀爀攀 眀攀愀爀椀渀最 氀漀渀最 栀愀椀爀 愀渀搀 猀洀漀欀椀渀最 
and weren't that attractive to me anyway.  ਀
My first attraction to girls started probably when I ਀眀愀猀 椀渀 ㄀猀琀 最爀愀搀攀 眀栀攀渀 愀 昀爀椀攀渀搀 愀渀搀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 瀀氀愀礀 
"doctor" and were interested in each other's body.  ਀吀栀爀漀甀最栀漀甀琀 猀挀栀漀漀氀Ⰰ 䤀 栀愀搀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 氀漀漀欀攀搀 愀琀 琀栀攀 
pretty girls and wished I could be like them - pretty ਀愀渀搀 瀀漀瀀甀氀愀爀 ⴀ 琀栀攀礀 栀愀搀 椀琀 愀氀氀 ⴀ 栀漀眀 氀甀挀欀礀 琀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀⸀  䤀 
had a friend in junior high who I was close to, and we ਀琀爀愀搀攀搀 渀漀琀攀猀 愀猀 眀攀 瀀愀猀猀攀搀 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀 愀渀搀 椀琀 眀愀猀 渀攀愀琀 
to have that close relationship.  I had dreams about ਀栀攀爀 愀渀搀 琀漀氀搀 栀攀爀 愀戀漀甀琀 栀甀最最椀渀最 栀攀爀 椀渀 洀礀 搀爀攀愀洀⸀  匀栀攀 
said "Girls don't hug other girls."  Oh, oh.  ਀
In high school, I met "V" and we became instant ਀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀渀搀 眀攀爀攀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 琀愀氀欀椀渀最 愀渀搀 栀愀渀最椀渀最 漀甀琀⸀  圀攀 戀攀挀愀洀攀 
even more close when she moved to Chicago to go to ਀挀漀氀氀攀最攀⸀  䈀攀昀漀爀攀 猀栀攀 氀攀昀琀Ⰰ 䤀 琀漀氀搀 栀攀爀 漀昀 洀礀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 昀漀爀 
her, and let her know that she was very close to my ਀栀攀愀爀琀⸀  匀栀攀 眀愀猀 猀甀爀瀀爀椀猀攀搀 愀渀搀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 眀栀愀琀 琀漀 猀愀礀Ⰰ 
but was "thankful" that I had said what I said, and we ਀爀攀洀愀椀渀攀搀 挀氀漀猀攀 昀漀爀 礀攀愀爀猀⸀  圀攀 栀愀搀 猀漀洀攀 ∀琀漀甀挀栀椀渀最∀ 
moments (hands on hands, touching hair) but that was it.  ਀䤀琀 眀愀猀渀✀琀 洀甀挀栀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 椀琀 眀愀猀 猀瀀攀挀椀愀氀 琀漀 洀攀⸀  䄀猀 礀攀愀爀猀 
went on, though, I kinda wanted more in the ਀爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀⸀  匀栀攀 眀愀猀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 愀渀搀 栀愀搀 欀椀搀猀Ⰰ 猀漀 眀攀 栀愀搀 琀漀 戀攀 最氀愀搀 
for whatever time we could have together, and kept our ਀挀氀漀猀攀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 椀渀 琀愀挀琀⸀  䘀椀渀愀氀氀礀Ⰰ 琀栀漀甀最栀 䤀 最漀琀 
frustrated with it.  I had let her know that I was ਀椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀攀搀 椀渀 琀栀椀渀最猀 最漀椀渀最 昀甀爀琀栀攀爀 愀渀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 氀漀瘀攀搀 栀攀爀⸀  
But there was a wall there and it was obvious she didn't ਀眀愀渀琀 琀漀 最漀 愀渀礀 昀甀爀琀栀攀爀⸀  䄀氀氀 琀栀攀 琀椀洀攀Ⰰ 洀椀渀搀 礀漀甀Ⰰ 䤀 
never acknowledged that I was gay.  I had become a ਀戀漀爀渀ⴀ愀最愀椀渀 䌀栀爀椀猀琀椀愀渀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 栀椀最栀 猀挀栀漀漀氀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 栀愀搀 爀攀愀搀 
the Bible many times, and knew that it didn't think this ਀琀礀瀀攀 漀昀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 眀愀猀 爀椀最栀琀⸀  䤀 栀愀搀 琀爀椀攀搀 琀漀 琀甀爀渀 
off my feelings for "V" and even went to a church ਀挀漀甀渀猀攀氀漀爀 愀渀搀 琀漀氀搀 栀椀洀 愀戀漀甀琀 椀琀Ⰰ 挀爀礀椀渀最 昀漀爀 愀氀洀漀猀琀 愀渀 栀漀甀爀Ⰰ 
uncontrollably.  He listened patiently (though ਀甀渀昀攀攀氀椀渀最氀礀⤀ 愀渀搀 猀栀漀眀攀搀 洀攀 猀漀洀攀 䈀椀戀氀攀 瘀攀爀猀攀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 昀攀氀琀 
somewhat "cured" - but in time, my feelings resurfaced for ਀∀嘀∀⸀  䤀 琀漀氀搀 栀攀爀 眀攀 挀漀甀氀搀 愀渀搀 猀栀漀甀氀搀 戀攀 ∀樀甀猀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀∀ 
- she was somewhat hurt, but understood, probably ਀欀渀漀眀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 洀礀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 眀漀甀氀搀 爀攀猀甀爀昀愀挀攀⸀  匀椀最栀⸀⸀⸀⸀
਀䤀 栀愀搀 搀愀琀攀搀 愀 渀甀洀戀攀爀 漀昀 洀攀渀 愀氀氀 琀栀漀猀攀 礀攀愀爀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 攀瘀攀渀 
had been proposed to 3 times!  But I was never in love ਀攀渀漀甀最栀 琀漀 猀愀礀 礀攀猀Ⰰ 琀栀漀甀最栀 䤀 挀愀洀攀 挀氀漀猀攀 漀渀 琀栀攀 氀愀猀琀 
one.  But I just couldn't get married "just to get ਀洀愀爀爀椀攀搀∀ 氀椀欀攀 愀氀氀 洀礀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 眀攀爀攀⸀  䤀 昀攀氀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 樀甀猀琀 圀䄀䤀吀 
until I really knew I was in love.਀
Being frustrated in the relationship with "V" - I sat ਀愀渀搀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 愀戀漀甀琀 椀琀 愀渀搀 洀礀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀⸀  䤀 昀攀氀琀 䤀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 
to be in a REAL relationship with a woman, not a ਀漀渀攀ⴀ猀椀搀攀搀 漀渀攀⸀  䤀 搀攀挀椀搀攀搀 琀漀 最漀 漀渀氀椀渀攀 ⠀䴀愀琀挀栀⸀挀漀洀⤀ 愀渀搀 猀攀攀 
who was out there.  If I didn't try, then I would ਀渀攀瘀攀爀 欀渀漀眀⸀  䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 攀砀愀挀琀氀礀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 氀漀漀欀椀渀最 昀漀爀Ⰰ 
but I'd figure it out as I went along.਀
I e-mailed a handful of ladies, and they e-mailed ਀戀愀挀欀⸀  䤀 琀愀氀欀攀搀 琀漀 愀 昀攀眀 漀渀 琀栀攀 瀀栀漀渀攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 洀攀琀 愀 昀攀眀 椀渀 
person.  But no sparks.  I was sort of getting ਀昀爀甀猀琀爀愀琀攀搀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀 瀀爀漀挀攀猀猀Ⰰ 琀栀椀渀欀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 椀琀 猀栀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 戀攀攀渀 
easier meeting a lady than it was meeting a guy!  One ਀氀愀搀礀 䤀 攀ⴀ洀愀椀氀攀搀 攀渀挀漀甀爀愀最攀搀 洀攀 琀漀 挀漀渀琀椀渀甀攀Ⰰ 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 
bound to find someone.਀
Match.com sends out e-mails with "prospective ਀洀愀琀挀栀攀猀∀⸀  䤀渀 漀渀攀 漀昀 琀栀漀猀攀 攀ⴀ洀愀椀氀猀Ⰰ ∀䴀✀猀∀ 瀀爀漀昀椀氀攀 挀愀洀攀 甀瀀 愀渀搀 
I read it with interest.  We had a number of things in ਀挀漀洀洀漀渀 愀渀搀 䤀 樀甀猀琀 氀椀欀攀搀 眀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 椀渀 栀攀爀 瀀爀漀昀椀氀攀 
and also there was something about her picture that ਀搀爀攀眀 洀攀⸀  䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 愀戀漀甀琀 椀琀 愀 眀栀椀氀攀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀渀 猀攀渀琀 愀渀 
e-mail.  She responded nicely, and we e-mailed a few more ਀琀椀洀攀猀Ⰰ 戀攀昀漀爀攀 琀愀氀欀椀渀最 漀渀 琀栀攀 瀀栀漀渀攀⸀  圀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀愀氀欀 漀渀 
the phone at night for HOURS, day after day....I loved ਀栀攀愀爀椀渀最 栀攀爀 瘀漀椀挀攀Ⰰ 椀琀 眀愀猀 眀愀爀洀 愀渀搀 猀漀昀琀⸀  匀栀攀 眀愀猀 
interesting to talk to, and patient with any questions I ਀栀愀搀⸀  匀栀攀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 椀渀 愀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 漀昀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀猀 
previously.  We finally met to have lunch...even though that ਀愀氀洀漀猀琀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 栀愀瀀瀀攀渀Ⰰ 愀猀 䤀 眀愀猀 愀琀 漀渀攀 搀漀漀爀 漀昀 琀栀攀 
meeting place and she was at the other - thinking each ਀漀琀栀攀爀 栀愀搀 猀琀漀漀搀 漀渀攀 愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 甀瀀℀  䈀甀琀 眀攀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 洀攀琀 甀瀀 
and had a great lunch and talking about our experiences ਀漀昀 洀攀攀琀椀渀最 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 琀栀攀渀 眀攀渀琀 昀漀爀 愀 眀愀氀欀 
afterwards.  As I left, she gave me a card she had handmade.  I ਀眀愀猀 匀伀 琀漀甀挀栀攀搀 戀礀 琀栀愀琀⸀  䤀琀 眀愀猀 猀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 
do for others, but no one had done for me.  ਀
I went on vacation for 2 weeks, but we got together ਀愀昀琀攀爀眀愀爀搀猀 愀渀搀 琀栀椀渀最猀 瀀爀漀最爀攀猀猀攀搀⸀  䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 眀栀攀爀攀 
things were going, but I enjoyed being with her.  We ਀眀攀爀攀 眀愀琀挀栀椀渀最 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 洀漀瘀椀攀 漀渀攀 渀椀最栀琀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 愀昀琀攀爀眀愀爀搀猀 
I was resting my eyes and sitting on the sofa, and she ਀欀椀猀猀攀搀 洀攀Ⰰ 攀瘀攀爀 猀漀 氀椀最栀琀氀礀Ⰰ 漀渀 琀栀攀 氀椀瀀猀⸀  匀漀爀琀 漀昀 氀椀欀攀 
a butterfly touching them - I wondered, did she just ਀欀椀猀猀 洀攀㼀㼀  䤀 眀愀猀 猀漀 攀洀戀愀爀爀愀猀猀攀搀⼀猀甀爀瀀爀椀猀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 
couldn't even open my eyes!  I couldn't meet her eyes ਀愀昀琀攀爀眀愀爀搀猀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 眀攀 最愀瘀攀 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀 愀 眀愀爀洀 栀甀最⸀  吀栀攀 渀攀砀琀 
time we got together, we ended up in bed, and I was ਀猀甀爀瀀爀椀猀攀搀 愀琀 栀漀眀 渀愀琀甀爀愀氀 攀瘀攀爀礀琀栀椀渀最 眀愀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀 椀琀 
was!  Never had I had such ecstasy with a man.  I knew ਀椀渀 洀礀 栀攀愀爀琀 猀漀漀渀 愀昀琀攀爀眀愀爀搀猀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 
for the first time in my life!  I hesitantly told her ਀猀漀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 猀漀漀渀 愀昀琀攀爀眀愀爀搀猀 猀愀椀搀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 
me too.  I told her my search was over, and that I had ਀渀漀 椀渀琀攀渀琀椀漀渀 漀昀 氀漀漀欀椀渀最 昀甀爀琀栀攀爀 漀渀 䴀愀琀挀栀⸀挀漀洀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 
said the same.  ਀
A year later, when my apt. lease came up, I broached ਀琀栀攀 猀甀戀樀攀挀琀 漀昀 洀愀礀戀攀 洀漀瘀椀渀最 椀渀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀⸀  䤀 眀愀猀 琀椀爀攀搀 
of being apart from her, making the half-hour commute ਀琀漀 栀攀爀 瀀氀愀挀攀 攀愀挀栀 眀攀攀欀攀渀搀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 洀礀 栀攀愀爀琀 眀愀猀 戀攀椀渀最 
ripped in two when I had to leave.  So I moved in, hoping ਀昀漀爀 琀栀攀 戀攀猀琀Ⰰ 昀椀最甀爀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 椀昀 椀琀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 眀漀爀欀 漀甀琀Ⰰ 䤀 
could always moved out.਀
We've been together 3 years now, and though we've had ਀漀甀爀 甀瀀猀 愀渀搀 搀漀眀渀猀Ⰰ 椀琀✀猀 戀攀攀渀 洀漀爀攀 甀瀀猀 琀栀愀渀 搀漀眀渀猀⸀  䴀礀 
parents passed away years ago, so I don't have to ਀戀漀琀栀攀爀 琀攀氀氀椀渀最 琀栀攀洀 ⴀ 琀栀漀甀最栀 䤀 琀栀椀渀欀 洀礀 洀漀洀 欀渀攀眀Ⰰ 眀栀攀渀 ∀嘀∀ 
and I were together so much, and she had called "V" a ਀氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀
਀䴀礀 猀椀猀琀攀爀 昀椀最甀爀攀搀 琀栀椀渀最猀 漀甀琀 猀漀漀渀 漀爀 愀琀 氀攀愀猀琀 栀椀渀琀攀搀 
at it, and I told both her and my brother finally.  ਀吀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀 戀漀琀栀 猀甀爀瀀爀椀猀攀搀 ⠀∀昀氀漀漀爀攀搀∀ 椀猀 洀漀爀攀 氀椀欀攀 椀琀℀⤀Ⰰ 
but have taken it pretty well, even though they are ਀戀漀爀渀ⴀ愀最愀椀渀 䌀栀爀椀猀琀椀愀渀猀 愀氀猀漀⸀  吀栀攀礀 欀渀漀眀 䤀 愀洀 栀愀瀀瀀礀 愀渀搀 栀愀瘀攀 
met "M" and see what a wonderful person she is and ਀琀栀愀琀 眀攀 栀愀瘀攀 愀 眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀 氀椀昀攀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀⸀  䤀 栀愀瘀攀 琀漀氀搀 愀 
few of my friends, little by little, which is always a ਀猀挀愀爀礀 琀栀椀渀最⸀  䈀甀琀 䤀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 最椀瘀攀 琀栀攀洀 琀栀攀 漀瀀琀椀漀渀 漀昀 
leaving the friendship if they don't want to be around it.  ਀∀䴀∀ 猀愀礀猀 琀栀愀琀 琀栀攀 吀刀唀䔀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 眀椀氀氀 猀琀愀礀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀椀氀氀 戀攀 
happy for me.਀
"M" and I wish that we had met earlier in life - I ਀欀渀漀眀 琀栀愀琀 眀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 戀攀攀渀 椀渀猀攀瀀愀爀愀戀氀攀 琀栀攀渀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 
there's a time and place for everything, and it just wasn't ਀琀椀洀攀 礀攀琀⸀  圀攀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 猀愀礀 眀攀✀氀氀 戀攀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀 昀漀爀 ∀㌀　 
years, for a start." :)  ਀
I wish all women out there the best, on their ਀樀漀甀爀渀攀礀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 栀漀瀀攀 礀漀甀 眀椀氀氀 攀渀搀 甀瀀 眀椀琀栀 礀漀甀爀 猀漀甀氀 洀愀琀攀Ⰰ 愀猀 䤀 
have.਀
਀
Story 63਀
Coming out age: 37਀
A lesbian who worked for me and who was 9 years younger  (and who had ਀氀攀搀 愀 瀀爀漀洀椀猀挀甀漀甀猀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 氀椀昀攀猀琀礀氀攀 猀椀渀挀攀 栀攀爀 漀眀渀 挀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀 愀琀 ㄀㤀⤀ 栀愀搀 愀 
massive crush on me and, when I had left work and was having a breakdown ਀戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 漀昀 攀洀漀琀椀漀渀愀氀 愀渀搀 眀漀爀欀 爀攀氀愀琀攀搀 瀀爀攀猀猀甀爀攀猀Ⰰ 挀栀漀猀攀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 
'had strong feelings for me'. I  was vulnerable and fell head over heels in ਀氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀⸀ 䤀 氀攀昀琀 洀礀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀Ⰰ 戀攀挀愀洀攀 攀猀琀爀愀渀最攀搀 昀爀漀洀 洀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀Ⰰ 瀀甀琀 洀礀 
own career aside to help her, acted as a mentor and guide and now, after 5 years - ਀礀漀甀 最甀攀猀猀攀搀 椀琀 ⴀ 猀栀攀 栀愀猀 栀愀搀 攀渀漀甀最栀 漀昀 琀栀椀猀 ✀戀漀爀椀渀最✀ 㐀㌀ 礀攀愀爀 漀氀搀 愀渀搀 眀愀渀琀猀 琀漀 最漀 
off to further her career and meet new partners, 'while there is still time'. ਀䴀攀愀渀眀栀椀氀攀 䤀 愀洀 戀爀漀欀攀渀 栀攀愀爀琀攀搀Ⰰ 搀攀瀀爀攀猀猀攀搀Ⰰ 搀椀猀琀爀愀甀最栀琀 愀渀搀 昀攀攀氀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 戀攀攀渀 
well and truly shafted. I came out and it was fantastic for a while, but hetero ਀洀椀猀攀爀礀 椀猀 匀伀 洀甀挀栀 攀愀猀椀攀爀 琀漀 挀漀瀀攀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀愀渀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 洀椀猀攀爀礀⸀ 䴀愀礀戀攀 礀漀甀 猀栀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 
a message board for more stories like mine........there must be thousands.਀
਀
Story 64਀
When I was a young girl -- around 11 yrs old --  I had a best friend,  Dutchy  ਀⠀渀漀琀 栀攀爀 爀攀愀氀 渀愀洀攀⤀⸀ 圀攀 眀攀爀攀 戀攀猀琀 漀昀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀㬀  眀攀 瀀氀愀礀攀搀 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀 攀瘀攀爀礀 搀愀礀 愀昀琀攀爀 猀挀栀漀漀氀⸀ 
I hated my body as I began to develop and felt that it was betraying me. But then a ਀眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀 琀栀椀渀最 栀愀瀀瀀攀渀攀搀⸀ 䐀甀琀挀栀礀 戀攀最愀渀 挀漀洀椀渀最 漀瘀攀爀 琀漀 洀礀 栀漀甀猀攀 眀栀攀渀 洀礀 瀀愀爀攀渀琀猀 眀攀渀琀 
grocery shopping. We would go into the shower,  and she would show me all her newly ਀猀瀀爀漀甀琀攀搀 栀愀椀爀 愀渀搀 最爀漀眀椀渀最 戀爀攀愀猀琀猀⸀ 圀攀氀氀Ⰰ 攀瘀攀爀礀 琀椀洀攀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 洀漀爀攀 愀渀搀 戀攀 戀椀最最攀爀Ⰰ 
and soon it became a game -- and it made developing so much more fun. I didn't hate my body anymore.਀
I loved Dutchy and one day a neighborhood boy came to Dutchy's house and when I got there ਀栀攀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 洀攀 琀漀 氀攀愀瘀攀⸀ 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀渀✀琀 愀渀搀 猀漀漀渀 眀攀 眀攀爀攀 椀渀 愀 昀椀最栀琀椀渀最 洀愀琀挀栀 眀栀椀挀栀 攀渀搀攀搀 甀瀀 眀椀琀栀 
him hitting me in the face. Now he was nearly 6 ft tall and I was only like 4ft 11" then ,਀猀漀 䤀 眀愀猀 渀漀 洀愀琀挀栀⸀ 匀栀攀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 栀攀氀瀀 洀攀 愀琀 愀氀氀⸀   䤀 氀攀昀琀 氀椀欀攀 愀 搀漀最 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 琀愀椀氀 戀攀琀眀攀攀渀 洀礀 氀攀最猀⸀ 
How could she not defend me, I wondered? I felt so betrayed.਀
Then my senior year of high school there were 5 of us girls who had made a pack to go to ਀匀琀⸀ 䌀愀琀栀攀爀椀渀攀✀猀 昀漀爀 漀甀爀 猀攀渀椀漀爀 礀攀愀爀 琀漀 戀攀 䄀猀瀀椀爀愀渀琀猀⸀ 䤀 瀀氀愀礀攀搀 樀漀欀攀猀 漀渀 洀礀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀渀搀 戀愀猀椀挀愀氀氀礀 
had a good time until Sister Alice Ann showed up. She was our housemother.  I fell in love with ਀栀攀爀 戀椀最 戀氀甀攀 攀礀攀猀 愀渀搀 瘀攀爀礀 椀渀瘀椀琀椀渀最 猀洀椀氀攀 ⴀⴀ 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 搀椀洀瀀氀攀猀 ⴀⴀ 漀栀 洀礀 最漀搀⸀ 匀漀 攀瘀攀爀礀 攀瘀攀渀椀渀最 䤀 猀琀漀漀搀 
in line to talk to her with a so called problem. I just wanted to see her and to talk to her.਀
,My bedroom was across from hers and I could see into her office at night as she typed away. ਀䤀 眀椀猀栀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀愀欀攀 漀昀昀 栀攀爀 瘀攀椀氀 猀漀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 猀攀攀 栀攀爀 栀愀椀爀 戀甀琀 猀栀攀 渀攀瘀攀爀 搀椀搀⸀ 䐀愀爀渀℀  䤀 眀愀椀琀攀搀 
every night after talking to her and would lie in bed watching out the windows as the other girls slept.. ਀吀栀攀渀 漀渀攀 搀愀礀 猀栀攀 琀漀氀搀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 琀漀 氀攀愀瘀攀 愀琀 琀栀攀 攀渀搀 漀昀 琀栀攀 猀攀洀攀猀琀攀爀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 䤀 栀愀搀 愀渀 愀琀琀愀挀栀洀攀渀琀 愀渀搀 
St. Catherine's didn't believe in attachments in the convent. I was heartbroken. ਀
After leaving I went to work at St. Mary's hospital and met my first fiancé and then finally got married ਀琀漀 愀 洀愀渀 椀渀 琀栀攀 䄀椀爀 䘀漀爀挀攀⸀ 匀椀猀琀攀爀 䄀氀椀挀攀 䄀渀渀 栀愀搀 猀愀椀搀 琀栀愀琀 椀昀 䤀 氀攀愀爀渀 琀漀 氀漀瘀攀 洀攀渀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 挀漀洀攀 戀愀挀欀⸀ 匀漀 
here I was married and loving my girl friends more than my husband. We were fighting over who would spend ਀琀椀洀攀 眀椀琀栀 眀栀漀⸀ 䄀昀琀攀爀 洀礀 搀椀瘀漀爀挀攀 䤀 爀愀椀猀攀搀 洀礀 欀椀搀猀 愀氀漀渀攀 愀渀搀 眀愀椀琀攀搀 甀渀琀椀氀 琀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀 戀漀琀栀 最爀愀搀甀愀琀攀搀 昀爀漀洀 栀椀最栀 
school to come out. My ex mother-in-law had threatened to take me kids away from me.਀
Finally in April of 1990 I walked in the Gay Pride March for the fist time, and in 1993 had my first ਀瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀⸀ 一漀眀 漀瘀攀爀 ㄀㔀 礀爀猀 氀愀琀攀爀 䤀 猀琀椀氀氀 眀漀渀搀攀爀 愀琀 琀栀漀猀攀 搀愀礀猀 椀渀 猀挀栀漀漀氀 愀渀搀 眀栀攀琀栀攀爀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 挀漀洀攀 漀甀琀 
sooner if I hadn't been so hurt.਀
਀
Story 65਀
Age 12, in the locker room with my best friend KP.....਀圀攀 眀攀爀攀 挀栀愀渀最椀渀最 昀漀爀 最礀洀 挀氀愀猀猀⸀ 䠀攀爀 栀愀椀爀 眀愀猀 昀愀氀氀椀渀最 漀渀 栀攀爀 猀栀漀甀氀搀攀爀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 爀攀洀攀洀戀攀爀 眀愀渀琀椀渀最 琀漀 琀漀甀挀栀 
her skin. But all I could do was stare. We remained best friends through college, then she got married ਀琀漀 愀 最甀礀 昀爀漀洀 猀挀栀漀漀氀 愀渀搀 洀漀瘀攀搀 琀漀 琀栀攀 漀瀀瀀漀猀椀琀攀 挀漀愀猀琀⸀ 䤀 渀攀瘀攀爀 琀漀甀挀栀攀搀 栀攀爀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀⸀ 
਀䄀最攀 ㄀㘀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀攀搀 琀漀 琀栀攀 瀀椀琀挀栀攀爀 漀渀 洀礀 昀愀猀琀 瀀椀琀挀栀 猀漀昀琀戀愀氀氀 琀攀愀洀⸀ 䄀琀 渀椀最栀琀 椀渀 琀栀攀 瀀爀椀瘀愀挀礀 漀昀 洀礀 戀攀搀爀漀漀洀
, I would allow myself to imagine her blue eyes and the way she wore her ponytail through her ball cap. OMG. ਀䤀 渀攀攀搀攀搀 琀漀 琀愀氀欀 琀漀 猀漀洀攀漀渀攀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 䤀 猀椀洀瀀氀礀 搀椀搀 渀漀琀 甀渀搀攀爀猀琀愀渀搀 眀栀礀 漀琀栀攀爀 最椀爀氀猀 氀椀欀攀搀 戀漀礀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 氀椀欀攀搀 
riding my horse and playing ball. ਀
The first born in a wealthy family, a lot was expected of me and it wasn't this. Upon overhearing a ਀挀漀渀瘀攀爀猀愀琀椀漀渀 愀戀漀甀琀 洀礀 最愀礀 愀甀渀琀 眀栀漀 氀椀瘀攀搀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀 椀渀 䌀愀渀愀搀愀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 琀漀渀攀 椀渀 琀栀攀椀爀 瘀漀椀挀攀猀Ⰰ 
I vowed to never mention my concerns to anyone. ਀
At age 26, I married my best guy friend. Fourteen years and 2 kids later, he started sleeping with a ਀昀爀椀攀渀搀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 渀攀瘀攀爀 猀漀 栀愀瀀瀀礀Ⰰ 猀挀愀爀攀搀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 甀渀栀愀瀀瀀礀 愀氀氀 愀琀 漀渀挀攀⸀  䤀 欀椀挀欀攀搀 栀椀洀 漀甀琀Ⰰ 瀀甀琀 琀栀攀 栀漀甀猀攀 甀瀀 昀漀爀 
sale, and while standing there contemplating the sudden turn of events in my life, the appraiser drove ਀甀瀀 愀渀搀 欀渀漀挀欀攀搀 漀渀 琀栀攀 搀漀漀爀⸀ 吀愀氀欀 愀戀漀甀琀 琀栀攀 甀渀椀瘀攀爀猀攀 欀渀漀眀椀渀最 眀栀攀渀 礀漀甀 愀爀攀 爀攀愀搀礀 琀漀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 愀挀挀攀瀀琀 礀漀甀爀猀攀氀昀⸀ 
She asked me out after being at my house for an hour! When I look back, I realize it was a date. At the time, ਀䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 椀琀 眀愀猀 最攀琀琀椀渀最 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀 昀漀爀 愀 最氀愀猀猀 漀昀 眀椀渀攀 樀甀猀琀 琀漀 琀愀氀欀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 眀攀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀搀 眀攀 栀愀搀 洀甀琀甀愀氀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀猀⸀ 
(I worked at an animal hospital and she supported an animal hospital by taking in every stray cat she found, ਀最攀琀琀椀渀最 琀栀攀洀 琀爀攀愀琀攀搀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 愀搀漀瀀琀椀渀最 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䰀伀䰀℀⤀  
਀䤀琀 眀愀猀 昀甀渀渀礀⸀ 䤀 攀渀樀漀礀攀搀 栀攀爀 猀漀 洀甀挀栀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 渀攀瘀攀爀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 漀昀 栀攀爀 愀猀 愀 ∀氀攀猀戀椀愀渀∀Ⰰ 甀渀琀椀氀 漀渀 漀甀爀 ㌀爀搀 搀愀琀攀 猀栀攀 
brought me home and walked me to the door. I invited her in. She closed the door behind us, turned to face me, ਀琀椀氀琀攀搀 洀礀 昀愀挀攀 琀漀 栀攀爀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 欀椀猀猀攀搀 洀攀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀 洀漀猀琀 愀洀愀稀椀渀最Ⰰ 琀攀渀搀攀爀Ⰰ 椀渀挀爀攀搀椀戀氀礀 猀攀砀礀 欀椀猀猀 䤀 栀愀搀 攀瘀攀爀 栀愀搀 甀瀀 
until that point. I melted into her and wanted to cry. So this is where I was supposed to be. I was finally home. ਀ 
Since that point, I've shared with my mom and sister who I really am. They rejoiced in it and wanted to meet ਀眀栀漀洀攀瘀攀爀 眀愀猀 洀愀欀椀渀最 洀攀 栀愀瀀瀀礀 愀琀 琀栀攀 琀椀洀攀⸀ 䴀漀洀 洀愀搀攀 洀攀 瀀爀漀洀椀猀攀 琀漀 渀攀瘀攀爀 琀攀氀氀 洀礀 搀愀搀 漀爀 戀爀漀琀栀攀爀⸀ 䠀漀渀漀爀椀渀最 栀攀爀 眀椀猀栀攀猀Ⰰ 
I've never told them. I live on the opposite coast, so I never see any of them. Life is just easier this way.  ਀䤀 搀愀琀攀搀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 搀椀昀昀攀爀攀渀琀 眀漀洀攀渀 琀栀攀 昀椀爀猀琀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 漀甀琀⸀ 䤀琀 眀愀猀 漀搀搀 琀漀 愀氀氀漀眀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 琀漀 愀挀琀甀愀氀氀礀 戀攀 最愀礀⸀ 
I found myself, and still do, much happier, healthier, more energetic, more creative, and just plain happy to be ਀愀氀椀瘀攀 渀漀眀 琀栀愀琀 䤀✀瘀攀 挀漀洀攀 漀甀琀⸀ 伀昀 挀漀甀爀猀攀 䤀 眀漀爀爀椀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 氀漀猀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 漀爀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀栀椀渀欀 戀愀搀氀礀 漀昀 洀攀⸀ 
Nothing like that happened. Those who love me just want me to be happy with myself. My kids are teens and have ਀欀渀漀眀渀 昀漀爀 愀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 渀漀眀⸀ 一漀琀栀椀渀最 攀瘀攀爀 挀栀愀渀最攀搀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 瀀攀琀爀椀昀椀攀搀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 琀栀攀洀 琀栀椀渀欀椀渀最 琀栀攀礀 眀漀甀氀搀 
freak out, but they didn't. Kids are better at accepting things than adults! We agreed their friends wouldn't ਀欀渀漀眀 甀渀琀椀氀 琀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀 挀漀洀昀漀爀琀愀戀氀攀 琀攀氀氀椀渀最 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 愀渀搀 愀洀 愀 瘀攀爀礀 氀甀挀欀礀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀ 䤀 渀漀眀 攀洀戀爀愀挀攀 洀礀 猀攀砀甀愀氀椀琀礀 愀渀搀 
thank God for my difference.਀
Age 12, in the locker room with my best friend KP... We were changing for gym class. Her hair was falling on her ਀猀栀漀甀氀搀攀爀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 爀攀洀攀洀戀攀爀 眀愀渀琀椀渀最 琀漀 琀漀甀挀栀 栀攀爀 猀欀椀渀 戀甀琀 愀氀氀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 搀漀 眀愀猀 猀琀愀爀攀⸀ 圀攀 爀攀洀愀椀渀攀搀 戀攀猀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 
college, then she got married to a guy from school and moved to the opposite coast. I never touched her, but I ਀愀氀眀愀礀猀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀⸀ 䄀最攀 ㄀㘀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀攀搀 琀漀 琀栀攀 瀀椀琀挀栀攀爀 漀渀 洀礀 昀愀猀琀 瀀椀琀挀栀 猀漀昀琀戀愀氀氀 琀攀愀洀⸀ 䄀琀 渀椀最栀琀 椀渀 琀栀攀 瀀爀椀瘀愀挀礀 漀昀 
my bedroom, I would allow myself to imagine her blue eyes and the way she wore her ponytail through her ball cap. ਀伀䴀䜀⸀ 䤀 渀攀攀搀攀搀 琀漀 琀愀氀欀 琀漀 猀漀洀攀漀渀攀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 䤀 猀椀洀瀀氀礀 搀椀搀 渀漀琀 甀渀搀攀爀猀琀愀渀搀 眀栀礀 漀琀栀攀爀 最椀爀氀猀 氀椀欀攀搀 戀漀礀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 氀椀欀攀搀 爀椀搀椀渀最 
my horse and playing ball. The 1st born in a wealthy family, a lot was expected of me and it wasn't this. Upon ਀漀瘀攀爀栀攀愀爀椀渀最 愀 挀漀渀瘀攀爀猀愀琀椀漀渀 愀戀漀甀琀 洀礀 最愀礀 愀甀渀琀 眀栀漀 氀椀瘀攀搀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀 椀渀 䌀愀渀愀搀愀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 琀漀渀攀 椀渀 琀栀攀椀爀 瘀漀椀挀攀猀Ⰰ 
I vowed to never mention my concerns to anyone. At age 26, I married my best guy friend.਀ 
Fourteen years, and 2 kids later, he started sleeping with a friend. I was never so happy, scared, and unhappy ਀愀氀氀 愀琀 漀渀挀攀⸀  䤀 欀椀挀欀攀搀 栀椀洀 漀甀琀Ⰰ 瀀甀琀 琀栀攀 栀漀甀猀攀 甀瀀 昀漀爀 猀愀氀攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀栀椀氀攀 猀琀愀渀搀椀渀最 琀栀攀爀攀 挀漀渀琀攀洀瀀氀愀琀椀渀最 琀栀攀 猀甀搀搀攀渀 琀甀爀渀 漀昀 
events in my life, the appraiser drove up and knocked on the door. Talk about the universe knowing when you are ready ਀琀漀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 愀挀挀攀瀀琀 礀漀甀爀猀攀氀昀⸀⸀⸀ 猀栀攀 愀猀欀攀搀 洀攀 漀甀琀 愀昀琀攀爀 戀攀椀渀最 愀琀 洀礀 栀漀甀猀攀 昀漀爀 愀渀 栀漀甀爀℀ 圀栀攀渀 䤀 氀漀漀欀 戀愀挀欀Ⰰ 䤀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀 椀琀 眀愀猀 
a date. At the time, I thought it was getting together for a glass of wine just to talk because we realized we had mutual ਀椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀猀⸀ ⠀䤀 眀漀爀欀攀搀 愀琀 愀渀 愀渀椀洀愀氀 栀漀猀瀀椀琀愀氀 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 猀甀瀀瀀漀爀琀攀搀 愀渀 愀渀椀洀愀氀 栀漀猀瀀椀琀愀氀 戀礀 琀愀欀椀渀最 椀渀 攀瘀攀爀礀 猀琀爀愀礀 挀愀琀 猀栀攀 昀漀甀渀搀Ⰰ 
getting them treated, and adopting them. LOL!)  ਀
It was funny. I enjoyed her so much, but never thought of her as a "lesbian", until on our 3rd date she brought me home ਀愀渀搀 眀愀氀欀攀搀 洀攀 琀漀 琀栀攀 搀漀漀爀⸀ 䤀 椀渀瘀椀琀攀搀 栀攀爀 椀渀⸀ 匀栀攀 挀氀漀猀攀搀 琀栀攀 搀漀漀爀 戀攀栀椀渀搀 甀猀Ⰰ 琀甀爀渀攀搀 琀漀 昀愀挀攀 洀攀Ⰰ 琀椀氀琀攀搀 洀礀 昀愀挀攀 琀漀 栀攀爀猀Ⰰ 
and kissed me with the most amazing, tender, incredibly sexy kiss I had ever had up until that point. I melted into her ਀愀渀搀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 挀爀礀⸀ 匀漀 琀栀椀猀 椀猀 眀栀攀爀攀 䤀 眀愀猀 猀甀瀀瀀漀猀攀搀 琀漀 戀攀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 昀椀渀愀氀氀礀 栀漀洀攀⸀ 
਀匀椀渀挀攀 琀栀愀琀 瀀漀椀渀琀Ⰰ 䤀✀瘀攀 猀栀愀爀攀搀 眀椀琀栀 洀礀 洀漀洀 愀渀搀 猀椀猀琀攀爀 眀栀漀 䤀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 愀洀⸀ 吀栀攀礀 爀攀樀漀椀挀攀搀 椀渀 椀琀 愀渀搀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 洀攀攀琀 眀栀漀洀攀瘀攀爀 
was making me happy at the time. Mom made me promise to never tell my dad or brother. Honoring her wishes, I've never ਀琀漀氀搀 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䤀 氀椀瘀攀 漀渀 琀栀攀 漀瀀瀀漀猀椀琀攀 挀漀愀猀琀Ⰰ 猀漀 䤀 渀攀瘀攀爀 猀攀攀 愀渀礀 漀昀 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䰀椀昀攀 椀猀 樀甀猀琀 攀愀猀椀攀爀 琀栀椀猀 眀愀礀⸀  
਀䤀 搀愀琀攀搀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 搀椀昀昀攀爀攀渀琀 眀漀洀攀渀 琀栀攀 昀椀爀猀琀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 漀甀琀⸀ 䤀琀 眀愀猀 漀搀搀 琀漀 愀氀氀漀眀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 琀漀 愀挀琀甀愀氀氀礀 戀攀 最愀礀⸀ 䤀 昀漀甀渀搀 洀礀猀攀氀昀Ⰰ 
and still do, much happier, healthier, more energetic, more creative, and just plain happy to be alive now that I've come ਀漀甀琀⸀ 伀昀 挀漀甀爀猀攀 䤀 眀漀爀爀椀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 氀漀猀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 漀爀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀栀椀渀欀 戀愀搀氀礀 漀昀 洀攀⸀ 一漀琀栀椀渀最 氀椀欀攀 琀栀愀琀 栀愀瀀瀀攀渀攀搀⸀ 吀栀漀猀攀 
who love me just want me to be happy with myself. My kids are teens and have known for a couple years now. Nothing ever ਀挀栀愀渀最攀搀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 瀀攀琀爀椀昀椀攀搀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 琀栀攀洀 琀栀椀渀欀椀渀最 琀栀攀礀 眀漀甀氀搀 昀爀攀愀欀 漀甀琀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 琀栀攀礀 搀椀搀渀✀琀⸀ 䬀椀搀猀 愀爀攀 戀攀琀琀攀爀 愀琀 愀挀挀攀瀀琀椀渀最 
things than adults! We agreed their friends wouldn't know until they were comfortable telling them. ਀
I was and am a very lucky woman. I now embrace my sexuality and thank God for my difference.਀
 her in. She closed the door behind us, turned to face me, tilted my face to hers, and kissed me with the most amazing, ਀琀攀渀搀攀爀Ⰰ 椀渀挀爀攀搀椀戀氀礀 猀攀砀礀 欀椀猀猀 䤀 栀愀搀 攀瘀攀爀 栀愀搀 甀瀀 甀渀琀椀氀 琀栀愀琀 瀀漀椀渀琀⸀ 䤀 洀攀氀琀攀搀 椀渀琀漀 栀攀爀 愀渀搀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 挀爀礀⸀ 匀漀 琀栀椀猀 椀猀 眀栀攀爀攀 
I was supposed to be. I was finally home. Since that point, I've shared with my mom and sister who I really am. They ਀爀攀樀漀椀挀攀搀 椀渀 椀琀 愀渀搀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 洀攀攀琀 眀栀漀洀攀瘀攀爀 眀愀猀 洀愀欀椀渀最 洀攀 栀愀瀀瀀礀 愀琀 琀栀攀 琀椀洀攀⸀ 䴀漀洀 洀愀搀攀 洀攀 瀀爀漀洀椀猀攀 琀漀 渀攀瘀攀爀 琀攀氀氀 洀礀 搀愀搀 漀爀 
brother. Honoring her wishes, I've never told them. I live on the opposite coast, so I never see any of them. Life is ਀樀甀猀琀 攀愀猀椀攀爀 琀栀椀猀 眀愀礀⸀  䤀 搀愀琀攀搀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 搀椀昀昀攀爀攀渀琀 眀漀洀攀渀 琀栀攀 昀椀爀猀琀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 漀甀琀⸀ 䤀琀 眀愀猀 漀搀搀 琀漀 愀氀氀漀眀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 琀漀 愀挀琀甀愀氀氀礀 
be gay. I found myself, and still do, much happier, healthier, more energetic, more creative, and just plain happy to be ਀愀氀椀瘀攀 渀漀眀 琀栀愀琀 䤀✀瘀攀 挀漀洀攀 漀甀琀⸀ 伀昀 挀漀甀爀猀攀 䤀 眀漀爀爀椀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 氀漀猀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 漀爀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀栀椀渀欀 戀愀搀氀礀 漀昀 洀攀⸀ 一漀琀栀椀渀最 
like that happened. Those who love me just want me to be happy with myself. My kids are teens and have known for a couple ਀礀攀愀爀猀 渀漀眀⸀ 一漀琀栀椀渀最 攀瘀攀爀 挀栀愀渀最攀搀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀洀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 瀀攀琀爀椀昀椀攀搀 琀漀 琀攀氀氀 琀栀攀洀 琀栀椀渀欀椀渀最 琀栀攀礀 眀漀甀氀搀 昀爀攀愀欀 漀甀琀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 琀栀攀礀 搀椀搀渀✀琀⸀ 
Kids are better at accepting things than adults! We agreed their friends wouldn't know until they were comfortable telling ਀琀栀攀洀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 愀渀搀 愀洀 愀 瘀攀爀礀 氀甀挀欀礀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀ 䤀 渀漀眀 攀洀戀爀愀挀攀 洀礀 猀攀砀甀愀氀椀琀礀 愀渀搀 琀栀愀渀欀 䜀漀搀 昀漀爀 洀礀 搀椀昀昀攀爀攀渀挀攀⸀
਀
਀匀琀漀爀礀 㘀㘀
਀䌀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀 愀最攀㨀 㐀㄀
਀䘀椀爀猀琀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀 琀漀琀愀氀 氀漀瘀攀 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 眀栀攀渀 椀 眀愀猀 ㄀㐀 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 ㄀㠀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 眀攀 愀爀攀 猀琀椀氀氀 戀攀猀琀 漀昀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀昀琀攀爀 㐀㈀ 礀攀愀爀猀⸀ 
i could not get enough of her. every week-end we stayed all night with each other and our parents had no idea. got pregnant ਀琀栀攀渀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 椀渀 ✀㘀㘀⸀ 栀愀搀 ㌀ 欀椀搀猀 昀椀爀猀琀 漀渀攀 椀猀 最愀礀 愀渀搀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 琀漀 愀 最爀攀愀琀 最甀礀 愀渀搀 氀椀瘀攀猀 椀渀 最攀爀洀愀渀礀⸀ 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 洀攀渀琀愀氀 栀漀猀瀀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 
that old homosexuality was popping up and i really wanted to be with women. husband said he would take the kids because i was ਀愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀Ⰰ ㄀㔀 礀攀愀爀猀 愀最漀 洀礀 氀愀猀琀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀 眀椀琀栀 愀  昀攀洀愀氀攀⸀ 椀 猀愀椀搀 栀攀 挀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 琀栀攀 欀椀搀猀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 椀 眀愀猀 猀琀椀氀氀 愀 洀攀猀猀⸀  
he said i could have them back in 6 mos after i got better. did not happen. married again went north of philly.  had four more ਀欀椀搀猀⸀ 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 最爀漀猀猀 愀戀甀猀椀瘀攀 瀀栀礀猀椀挀愀氀氀礀 愀渀搀 洀攀渀琀愀氀氀礀⸀ 戀甀琀 栀攀 最愀瘀攀 洀攀 琀栀攀 㐀 洀漀猀琀 椀渀挀爀攀搀椀戀氀攀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀 椀渀 琀栀攀 眀漀爀氀搀⸀  渀漀琀 琀栀愀琀 琀栀攀礀 
are/were perfect they are real  wonderful, fun, and love me unconditionally. met a woman that drove a bus for the same christian ਀猀挀栀漀漀氀 椀 搀爀漀瘀攀 愀 戀甀猀 昀漀爀⸀ 愀 洀甀琀甀愀氀 昀爀椀攀渀搀 琀漀氀搀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 椀 眀漀甀氀搀 氀漀瘀攀 栀攀爀Ⰰ 椀 欀渀漀眀 猀栀攀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 洀攀愀渀 琀栀愀琀⸀  愀氀氀 欀椀渀搀猀 漀昀 最爀漀猀猀 琀栀椀渀最猀 
happened to me by my husband, but finally she, the kids, and i moved tost louis.  i went to nursing school. my 3 youngest boys ਀眀攀爀攀 爀愀椀猀攀搀 戀礀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀猀 眀栀漀  搀椀搀 渀漀琀 昀椀最栀琀Ⰰ 猀挀爀攀愀洀 渀漀爀 礀攀氀氀 愀琀 攀愀挀栀 漀琀栀攀爀⸀ ㄀　 礀攀愀爀猀 氀愀琀攀爀 洀攀琀 洀礀 猀漀甀氀 洀愀琀攀⸀ 眀攀 最漀琀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 椀渀 
vermont in 2001 while living on the east coast. things happened and we had to move back to st louis. she said if we moved back ਀眀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 渀漀 氀漀渀最攀爀 戀攀 氀漀瘀攀爀猀⸀ 猀栀攀 最漀琀 椀渀瘀漀氀瘀攀搀 椀渀 栀攀爀 挀栀甀爀挀栀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 猀栀攀 昀攀攀氀猀 最漀搀 挀愀氀氀攀搀 栀攀爀 琀漀 猀愀瘀攀 最愀礀猀⸀ 猀栀攀✀猀 猀琀椀氀氀 洀礀 猀漀甀氀 
mate and we do most everything  together. if i would find some one that can be all to me i'd jump at the chance.਀
਀
Story 67਀
It was 1950. Her name was Johanna. We were in second grade at St Gabriel’s and we were inseparable. She was my very bestest ਀昀爀椀攀渀搀 愀渀搀☀䤠 氀漀瘀攀搀 栀攀爀☀洠愀搀氀礀⸀ 圀栀攀爀攀 礀漀甀 猀愀眀 漀渀攀 漀昀 甀猀 礀漀甀 猀愀眀 戀漀琀栀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 愀搀甀氀琀猀 椀渀 漀甀爀 氀椀瘀攀猀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 琀栀愀琀 眀攀 眀攀爀攀 猀漀漀漀漀 
cute together, even the good Sisters at school. We played and rode our bikes in that small town and even kissed in the movies ਀愀渀搀 眀攀 欀渀攀眀 琀栀愀琀 眀栀攀渀 眀攀 最爀攀眀 甀瀀 眀攀 眀漀甀氀搀 戀攀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 愀渀搀 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 戀攀 栀攀爀 眀椀昀攀 愀渀搀 栀愀瘀攀 栀攀爀 戀愀戀椀攀猀 樀甀猀琀 氀椀欀攀 眀栀攀渀 眀攀 眀攀爀攀 瀀氀愀礀椀渀最 
house with her dolls up in her room. Then we told her Mom, in a rush of exuberance and joy.਀
“You can’t do that. Girls can’t have wives”, Mrs. D said. To me, ”You can be her husband.” and that made no sense to either of us. ਀䤀 眀愀猀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 琀栀攀 眀椀昀攀⸀
਀䄀猀 欀椀搀猀 搀漀 眀攀 眀攀渀琀 戀愀挀欀 琀漀 瀀氀愀礀椀渀最 栀漀甀猀攀 欀渀漀眀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 最爀漀眀渀ⴀ甀瀀 樀甀猀琀 搀椀搀渀ᤀ琠 甀渀搀攀爀猀琀愀渀搀 琀栀椀渀最猀⸀
਀吀眀漀 眀攀攀欀猀 氀愀琀攀爀 䨀漀栀愀渀渀愀 瘀愀渀椀猀栀攀搀 昀爀漀洀 漀甀爀 猀挀栀漀漀氀 愀渀搀 栀攀爀 䴀漀洀 眀漀甀氀搀渀ᤀ琠 愀氀氀漀眀 甀猀 琀漀 攀瘀攀渀 琀愀氀欀 漀渀 琀栀攀 瀀栀漀渀攀⸀ 䴀礀 栀攀愀爀琀 眀愀猀 戀爀漀欀攀渀 
and I got the message. I am not OK.਀
Through child hood and the pre-teen years most of my friends were girls but as we reached 10 years old or so, they started ਀琀漀 瀀甀氀氀 愀眀愀礀 愀渀搀 䤀 爀攀琀爀攀愀琀攀搀 椀渀琀漀 洀礀 戀漀漀欀猀⸀ 䤀 栀愀搀 渀漀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀 椀渀 猀瀀漀爀琀猀 愀渀搀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 搀椀搀渀ᤀ琠 氀椀欀攀 漀爀 甀渀搀攀爀猀琀愀渀搀 洀漀猀琀 戀漀礀猀 漀爀 
their rough ways of being together.਀
Things at home began to get crazy too. I got constant hostility from my Father and didn’t know why. I’m not going to go into ਀琀栀攀猀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 戀甀琀 琀漀 猀栀愀爀攀 洀礀 猀椀猀琀攀爀ᤀ猠 搀攀猀挀爀椀瀀琀椀漀渀Ⰰ ᰀ䤠 眀愀琀挀栀攀搀 礀漀甀 戀爀甀琀愀氀椀稀攀搀 瀀栀礀猀椀挀愀氀氀礀Ⰰ 攀洀漀琀椀漀渀愀氀氀礀 猀瀀椀爀椀琀甀愀氀氀礀 愀渀搀 
psychologically every day of your life.” I believed that I was not OK. I didn’t fit in. The girls (whom I could understand and ਀爀攀氀愀琀攀 眀椀琀栀⤀ 搀椀猀琀愀渀挀攀搀 洀攀 愀渀搀 䤀 搀椀搀渀ᤀ琠 氀椀欀攀 漀爀 昀椀琀 眀椀琀栀 琀栀攀 戀漀礀猀 戀甀琀 昀漀爀 漀渀攀 漀爀 琀眀漀 挀氀漀猀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 ⸀ 䴀礀 猀椀猀琀攀爀 攀瘀攀渀琀甀愀氀氀礀 琀漀氀搀 
me that sometimes, when I was not around, my Father would complain bitterly to my mother about my feminine way of dressing, my ਀最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀渀搀 洀礀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀猀Ⰰ 戀漀漀欀猀Ⰰ 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀Ⰰ 搀愀渀挀攀Ⰰ 琀栀攀愀琀爀攀 愀渀搀 洀礀 愀戀猀攀渀挀攀 漀昀 椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀 椀渀 猀瀀漀爀琀猀⸀ 匀栀攀 愀氀猀漀 猀愀椀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 洀礀 
father’s scapegoat for my Mother. He would be angry about her drinking and beat me instead of her.਀
I thank the Goddess for my Aunts Peg and Vron who loved me and nurtured me and my intellect in ways that my Mom, with five other ਀礀漀甀渀最攀爀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀 愀渀搀 愀 猀椀砀琀栀 礀攀琀 琀漀 挀漀洀攀Ⰰ 挀漀甀氀搀 渀漀琀⸀ 倀攀最 眀愀猀 洀礀 昀愀琀栀攀爀ᤀ猠 猀椀猀琀攀爀 愀渀搀 洀礀 䜀漀搀洀漀琀栀攀爀⸀ 嘀爀漀渀 眀愀猀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 椀渀 猀漀洀攀 
undefined way. They shared a home and it was accepted that they shared a bed but the how or why was carefully undefined. However ਀洀漀猀琀 漀昀 琀栀攀椀爀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 眀栀漀洀 䤀 洀攀琀 猀攀攀洀攀搀 琀漀 戀攀 瀀愀椀爀猀 漀昀 眀椀洀洀攀渀⸀ 吀栀攀礀 愀氀氀 猀愀眀 渀漀琀栀椀渀最  ᰀ渠漀琀 伀䬀ᴀ†愀戀漀甀琀 洀攀⸀ 倀攀最 ☀ 嘀爀漀渀 眀攀爀攀 琀栀攀 猀漀挀椀愀氀 
center of my Father’s side of the family and I can’t count how many times I was told to put one of my younger sibs down for a nap ਀椀渀 倀攀最 愀渀搀 嘀爀漀渀ᤀ猠 戀攀搀 戀甀琀 椀渀 愀 昀愀洀椀氀礀 眀栀攀爀攀 琀栀愀琀 眀栀椀挀栀 椀猀 渀漀琀 猀愀椀搀Ⰰ 椀猀 渀漀琀 栀愀瀀瀀攀渀椀渀最Ⰰ 搀漀 礀漀甀 琀栀椀渀欀 攀椀琀栀攀爀 ᰀ䰠ᴀ†眀漀爀搀 眀愀猀 攀瘀攀爀 猀瀀漀欀攀渀㼀 
Not. I hardly believe it but I was about 35 and driving, thinking of Aunt Peg who was ill (Vron had passed on) when I finally got ਀椀琀Ⰰ ᴀ传洀椀最漀搀Ⰰ 琀栀攀礀 眀攀爀攀 愀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀ᴀ⸠ 䐀甀栀
਀䄀渀 攀瀀椀瀀栀愀渀礀 挀愀洀攀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 ㄀㐀 愀渀搀 爀攀愀搀 刀愀搀挀氀礀昀昀攀 䠀愀氀氀ᤀ猠 圀攀氀氀 漀昀 䰀漀渀攀氀椀渀攀猀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 欀渀攀眀 琀栀愀琀 猀漀洀攀栀漀眀Ⰰ 䤀 昀椀琀 椀渀 琀栀攀爀攀⸀ 䤀 戀攀最愀渀 琀漀 
find ways to be home alone and would dress in my mothers clothes and reality would shift and feel normal. And Catholic guilt would ਀栀椀琀 愀渀搀 䤀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 昀攀氀琀 氀椀欀攀 愀 戀愀搀 戀愀搀 昀爀攀愀欀⸀ 吀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 渀漀 漀渀攀 眀椀琀栀 眀栀漀洀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 猀栀愀爀攀 琀栀椀猀⸀ 䤀 栀愀搀 渀漀 最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 眀椀琀栀 眀栀漀洀 䤀 挀漀甀氀搀 
share my fantasies of being seduced by a woman named ”Stephen” and taken off to her country Manor. All I had was an incredible crush ਀漀渀 䴀猀 䈀 琀栀攀 最礀洀 琀攀愀挀栀攀爀 ⠀愀 戀漀椀 椀昀 攀瘀攀爀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 漀渀攀⤀ 愀渀搀 漀渀 愀渀礀 渀甀洀戀攀爀 漀昀 琀栀攀 最椀爀氀猀 椀渀 洀礀 挀氀愀猀猀 眀栀漀洀 䤀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 猀愀眀 椀渀 琀栀攀 瀀甀爀猀甀椀琀 
role with me the receptive one.਀
In High school, there was a gay (though not out) English teacher who started a very active Theater Department and there I found a ਀栀漀洀攀 愀渀搀 攀瘀攀渀 猀漀洀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 戀漀琀栀 洀愀氀攀 愀渀搀 昀攀洀愀氀攀 眀栀漀 猀攀攀洀攀搀 琀漀 愀挀挀攀瀀琀 洀攀⸀ 䈀礀 琀栀椀猀 琀椀洀攀Ⰰ 洀礀 猀琀礀氀攀 漀昀 搀爀攀猀猀 栀愀搀 戀攀挀漀洀攀 愀渀搀爀漀最礀渀漀甀猀 
(it was sort of understood as Theatre kid stuff) and I began to study ballet with the Grand Opera Co. Corps de ballet. Here were boys ਀眀栀漀 眀攀爀攀 攀昀昀攀洀椀渀愀琀攀 ⠀眀栀椀挀栀 䤀 眀愀猀渀ᤀ琠 爀攀愀氀氀礀 愀渀搀 最椀爀氀猀 眀栀漀猀攀 瀀愀爀攀渀琀猀 眀椀猀栀攀搀 眀攀爀攀 洀漀爀攀 昀攀洀椀渀椀渀攀 ⠀眀栀椀挀栀Ⰰ 椀渀 爀攀琀爀漀猀瀀攀挀琀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀⤀ 䤀 栀愀搀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀⸀ 
I felt joy. I danced. My father hated it but Aunt Peg handled him .਀
I came to know that most of the guys were gay and I wondered about me. So I tried boys a few times but only talked about it with my ਀最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 洀愀渀礀 漀昀 眀栀漀洀 眀攀爀攀 愀氀猀漀 最愀礀⸀ 匀攀砀 眀椀琀栀 洀攀渀 眀愀猀 欀椀渀搀愀 昀甀渀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 猀漀洀攀栀漀眀 攀洀瀀琀礀 愀渀搀 栀漀氀氀漀眀 猀漀 䤀 猀漀漀渀 搀椀搀渀ᤀ琠 戀漀琀栀攀爀⸀ 䨀甀猀琀 栀甀渀最 漀甀琀 
with the girls. I realize now that for me loving is about sharing and intimacy and being close in a way that I think men don’t know. ਀圀椀琀栀漀甀琀 椀琀 椀琀ᤀ猠 攀砀攀爀挀椀猀攀 愀渀搀 䤀 瀀爀攀昀攀爀 戀愀爀爀攀 眀漀爀欀 漀爀 倀椀氀愀琀攀猀 漀爀 猀挀爀甀戀戀椀渀最 昀氀漀漀爀猀 漀爀 洀愀礀戀攀 愀 爀漀漀琀 挀愀渀愀氀 樀漀戀⸀
਀圀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀猀 猀攀瘀攀渀琀攀攀渀Ⰰ 漀渀攀 漀昀 洀礀 漀氀搀攀爀 最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 琀漀漀欀 洀攀 琀漀 愀 眀椀洀洀椀渀ᤀ猠 戀愀爀 挀愀氀氀攀搀 刀甀猀琀礀ᤀ猠 愀渀搀 䤀 氀漀瘀攀搀 椀琀⸀ 䤀 昀氀攀搀 最漀漀搀 琀栀攀爀攀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 
wimmin seemed to accept my androgynous little self. The third time I went, the lights flashed and the police stormed in screaming and ਀猀栀漀瘀椀渀最 愀渀搀 昀爀椀最栀琀攀渀椀渀最 洀攀 栀漀爀爀椀戀氀礀Ⰰ 吀眀攀渀琀礀ⴀ攀椀最栀琀 漀昀 甀猀 眀攀爀攀 栀愀甀氀攀搀 椀渀Ⰰ 攀椀最栀琀 眀攀爀攀 戀攀愀琀攀渀 昀愀椀爀氀礀 戀愀搀氀礀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 琀眀漀 甀渀搀攀爀愀最攀搀 最椀爀氀猀Ⰰ 
myself and a born girl, were gang raped right in the police station. They were going to teach us what it means to be a womyn.਀
I had been reared a feminist. That terrible night which I couldn’t’ tell about for 10 years made me a Radical Feminist and a Separatist. ਀圀栀椀挀栀Ⰰ 漀昀 挀漀甀爀猀攀 氀攀昀琀 洀攀 愀氀漀渀攀⸀䤀 攀愀爀渀攀搀 洀礀 䰀攀猀戀椀愀渀 䌀愀爀搀 琀栀愀琀 渀椀最栀琀⸀ ⠀琀栀漀甀最栀 琀栀攀 猀漀昀琀戀愀氀氀 挀氀攀愀琀猀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀 匀眀椀猀猀 䄀爀洀礀 欀渀椀昀攀 搀椀搀渀ᤀ琠 挀漀洀攀 琀椀氀 氀愀琀攀爀⤀⸀ 
I jumped back in the closet, deeply, hiding even from me.਀
In my loneliness and rage and pain, I drank smoked pot and dropped pills and became a hippie where my androgyny wasn’t noticed or ਀爀攀愀挀琀攀搀 琀漀⸀ 䤀 氀椀瘀攀搀 椀渀 䜀爀攀攀渀眀椀挀栀 嘀椀氀氀愀最攀 昀爀漀洀 ㄀㤀㘀㌀ 甀渀琀椀氀 猀栀漀爀琀氀礀 愀昀琀攀爀 琀栀攀 匀琀漀渀攀眀愀氀氀 刀椀漀琀 椀渀 ㄀㤀㘀㤀⸀ 吀栀攀礀 琀攀氀氀 洀攀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 昀甀渀⸀
਀䄀 瀀攀爀椀漀搀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 搀漀 爀攀洀攀洀戀攀爀 琀栀漀甀最栀 眀愀猀 ㄀㤀㘀㜀ⴀ㘀㠀⸀ 䤀 愀挀琀甀愀氀氀礀 栀愀搀 愀 最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀Ⰰ 愀渀 愀最最爀攀猀猀椀瘀攀 昀攀洀洀攀 渀愀洀攀搀 倀Ⰰ 琀漀最攀琀栀攀爀Ⰰ 眀攀 洀攀琀 愀渀搀 昀攀氀氀 
in love with a lovely femme woman named E and shared our lives, bed, and love for 16 months. Those wimmen knew immediately who I was ਀
and encouraged me to be me and Joani came out for the first time. It was glorious, but time went on and P & E felt the need to leave the city. ਀吀栀攀 眀愀渀琀攀搀 洀攀 琀漀 最漀 琀漀漀 戀甀琀 䤀 樀甀猀琀 眀愀猀渀ᤀ琠 爀攀愀搀礀 愀渀搀 䤀 眀愀猀 愀昀爀愀椀搀⸀ 吀栀攀礀 氀攀昀琀⸀ 䤀 欀椀猀猀攀搀 琀栀攀洀 䜀漀漀搀戀礀攀 愀渀搀 椀渀 琀攀爀爀漀爀 眀椀琀栀漀甀琀 琀栀攀洀Ⰰ 
cut my hair and jumped back in the closet.਀
Sure, I have some regrets, but if I hadn’t done that, I would not have had my son. The baby who nursed at my small breast when his ਀戀漀琀琀氀攀 眀愀猀 攀洀瀀琀礀⸀ 吀栀攀 椀渀挀爀攀搀椀戀氀攀 昀甀氀昀椀氀氀洀攀渀琀 漀昀 戀攀椀渀最 愀 瀀爀椀洀愀爀礀 挀愀爀攀 瀀愀爀攀渀琀 昀漀爀 栀愀氀昀 漀昀 琀栀攀 眀攀攀欀⸀ 吀栀攀 眀漀渀搀攀爀昀甀氀氀礀 挀氀漀猀攀 戀漀渀搀 眀攀 猀栀愀爀攀 
today as he proudly introduces me to his friends as, My Dad , Joani. He says I was always more of a Mom to him than his birth Mother ਀⠀眀栀漀 愀氀猀漀 氀漀瘀攀猀 洀攀 渀漀眀⤀⸀
਀䰀椀昀攀 欀攀瀀琀 猀栀漀眀椀渀最 甀瀀 愀渀搀 洀愀爀爀椀愀最攀猀 愀渀搀 搀椀瘀漀爀挀攀猀⸀ 夀漀甀 欀渀漀眀Ⰰ 猀琀爀愀椀最栀琀 眀漀洀礀渀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 搀漀渀ᤀ琠 欀渀漀眀 栀漀眀 琀漀 搀攀愀氀 眀椀琀栀 愀 眀椀昀攀 攀瘀攀渀 椀昀 琀栀攀礀 
do find a sweet, romantic feminine style of courtship very attractive ( “No more straight girls, Joani, NO!;-) and I met J who with no ਀瀀爀漀洀瀀琀椀渀最 愀渀搀 渀漀 瘀椀猀甀愀氀 挀甀攀猀 昀椀瘀攀 眀攀攀欀猀 愀昀琀攀爀 眀攀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 搀愀琀椀渀最 眀愀猀 椀渀琀爀漀搀甀挀椀渀最 洀攀 愀猀 栀攀爀 ᰀ眠椀昀攀 琀漀 戀攀ᴀ⸠ 䤀 搀椀搀 戀攀挀漀洀攀 栀攀爀 眀椀昀攀 愀渀搀 眀攀 栀愀搀 
13 wonderful years. Her son and mine bonded and life was good. Our lifestyle was upscale suburban professional and our relationship and ਀氀漀瘀椀渀最 猀琀礀氀攀 搀攀昀椀渀椀琀攀氀礀 䰀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 琀漀氀搀 昀爀攀焀甀攀渀琀氀礀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 ᰀ琠栀攀 戀攀猀琀 眀椀昀攀 愀 眀漀洀愀渀 挀漀甀氀搀 愀猀欀 昀漀爀ᴀ⸠ 圀栀攀渀 洀愀渀礀 礀攀愀爀猀 氀愀琀攀爀Ⰰ 䤀 琀漀氀搀 
her the whole story, she encouraged me to be who I am but when she realized that this was going to be neither play-acting or a sometime ਀琀栀椀渀最 愀渀搀 眀栀攀渀 䤀 ⠀䨀漀愀渀椀⤀ 戀攀最愀渀 琀漀 最漀 琀漀 琀栀攀 漀昀昀椀挀攀 愀渀搀 猀攀攀 瀀愀琀椀攀渀琀猀 猀栀攀 戀攀挀愀洀攀 瘀攀爀礀 愀昀爀愀椀搀 漀昀 氀漀猀椀渀最 栀攀爀 最爀愀渀搀挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀 琀漀 栀攀爀 猀漀渀ⴀ椀渀ⴀ氀愀眀ᤀ猠 
bigotry, she told me that she could either have her new career as an artist, or she could have her wife but not both so ਀眀攀 栀愀搀 琀漀 猀瀀氀椀琀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 搀攀瘀愀猀琀愀琀攀搀⸀
਀䘀漀甀爀 眀攀攀欀猀 氀愀琀攀爀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 椀渀 琀栀攀 栀漀猀瀀椀琀愀氀 搀礀椀渀最⸀ 吀栀攀 䐀漀挀琀漀爀猀 猀愀椀搀 椀搀椀漀瀀愀琀栀椀挀 挀愀爀搀椀漀ⴀ猀礀洀瀀愀琀栀礀 ⠀眀栀椀挀栀 洀攀愀渀猀 ᰀ夠漀甀爀 栀攀愀爀琀 栀愀猀 戀攀挀漀洀攀 
terribly weak and we don’t have any idea why). My heart was broken.਀
I had to have a transplant they said but I was too weak to survive the surgery. That “other person” died there in the hospital. ਀䨀漀愀渀椀Ⰰ 䤀Ⰰ 眀攀渀琀 栀漀洀攀 愀渀搀 氀愀椀搀 漀渀 琀栀攀 猀漀昀愀 昀漀爀 㘀 洀漀渀琀栀猀⸀ 吀漀 眀愀氀欀 琀栀攀 戀氀漀挀欀 愀渀搀 愀 栀愀氀昀 琀漀 琀栀攀 最爀漀挀攀爀礀 爀攀焀甀椀爀攀搀 ㈀ 爀攀猀琀 猀琀漀瀀猀 漀渀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀猀 
front steps and to return with one bag of groceries (two were out of the question) required three rest stops. But my apt. had no closet. ਀圀椀琀栀 琀椀洀攀 䤀 戀攀最愀渀 琀漀 最攀琀 愀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 戀攀琀琀攀爀Ⰰ 搀椀猀愀戀椀氀椀琀礀 椀渀猀甀爀愀渀挀攀 愀渀搀 匀漀挀椀愀氀 匀攀挀甀爀椀琀礀 猀甀猀琀愀椀渀攀搀 洀攀 愀渀搀 攀瘀攀渀琀甀愀氀氀礀 䤀 挀愀洀攀 琀漀 䘀氀漀爀椀搀愀 琀漀 搀椀攀 
on my sailboat. I would fulfill my last dream.਀
I was docked behind a lovely large home on the New River and it was paradise. There were orange trees and lemons and avocados ਀愀渀搀 攀瘀攀渀 愀 猀洀愀氀氀 最爀漀瘀攀 漀昀 戀愀渀愀渀愀 琀爀攀攀猀⸀ 䄀渀搀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 愀 琀椀渀礀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 氀椀洀攀 琀爀攀攀 猀琀爀甀最最氀椀渀最 琀漀 猀甀爀瘀椀瘀攀⸀ 䤀琀 眀愀猀渀ᤀ琠 最爀漀眀椀渀最 愀渀搀 栀愀搀 昀攀眀 
leaves which often fell off but that little tree refused to die, I came often to sit with the tree and identify with it’s struggles to be ਀爀攀戀漀爀渀 愀渀搀 䤀 愀氀眀愀礀猀 猀愀椀搀 ᰀ䠠攀氀氀漀ᴀ†眀栀攀渀 䤀 眀愀氀欀攀搀 戀礀 愀渀搀 瀀爀愀礀攀搀 昀漀爀 洀礀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 琀爀攀攀⸀
਀䤀 愀氀猀漀 戀攀最愀渀 琀漀 洀攀攀琀 眀椀洀洀椀渀 椀渀 琀栀攀 䰀攀猀戀椀愀渀 戀愀爀猀 愀渀搀 愀琀 琀栀攀 䜀愀礀 愀渀搀 䰀攀猀戀椀愀渀 䌀漀洀洀甀渀椀琀礀 䌀攀渀琀攀爀⸀ 匀甀爀攀 琀栀攀爀攀 眀愀猀 瀀爀攀樀甀搀椀挀攀 愀渀搀 爀攀猀椀猀琀愀渀挀攀 
at first but as I became known I became accepted as just one more femme dyke. I began after a year to date usually through introductions ਀戀礀 最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 攀愀爀渀攀搀 愀 瀀氀愀挀攀 椀渀 漀甀爀 挀漀洀洀甀渀椀琀礀⸀ 䴀礀 戀爀愀瘀攀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 氀椀洀攀 琀爀攀攀 戀攀最愀渀 琀漀 琀栀爀椀瘀攀 琀漀漀⸀ 匀栀攀 最漀琀 戀椀最最攀爀 愀渀搀 氀攀愀昀攀搀 漀甀琀 愀渀搀 
eventually even bore 2 beautiful limes.਀
A funny story. When I first moved to Florida, I lived on my sailboat. One day my friend Beth and I had been out sailing in the ocean ਀愀渀搀 眀攀 猀眀愀洀 愀 戀椀琀 琀栀攀渀 猀愀椀氀攀搀 戀愀挀欀⸀ 圀攀 眀攀爀攀 猀椀琀琀椀渀最 搀漀挀欀猀椀搀攀 眀栀攀渀 猀栀攀 猀瀀漀琀琀攀搀 琀栀攀 吀爀愀渀猀最攀渀搀攀爀攀搀 倀爀椀搀攀 䘀氀愀最 䤀 昀氀攀眀 漀渀 洀礀 洀愀猀琀 愀渀搀 愀猀欀攀搀 
about it. When I explained, she said, "Why is it on your boat"? "Beth, didn't you know? I'm transgendered." This prompted a 15 min rush ਀漀昀 眀漀爀搀猀 昀爀漀洀 栀攀爀 琀栀愀琀 洀愀搀攀 愀戀猀漀氀甀琀攀氀礀 渀漀 猀攀渀猀攀 琀漀 洀攀 攀砀挀攀瀀琀 琀栀愀琀 猀栀攀 眀愀猀 漀戀瘀椀漀甀猀氀礀 琀爀礀椀渀最 琀漀 琀愀氀欀 洀攀 漀甀琀 漀昀 猀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最⸀ ∀䨀漀愀渀椀∀Ⰰ猀栀攀 猀愀椀搀Ⰰ 
"You are the femmiest woman I know. Why in Hell do you want to become a guy?" It took a minute of her looking at the truly strange look ਀漀渀 洀礀 昀愀挀攀 戀攀昀漀爀攀 琀栀攀 氀椀最栀琀 戀甀氀戀 氀椀琀⸀ ∀伀栀 渀漀Ⰰ 渀漀Ⰰ 渀漀Ⰰ 渀漀Ⰰ 渀漀⸀∀ 匀栀攀 氀漀漀欀攀搀 搀漀眀渀 愀琀 洀礀 琀眀漀 氀椀琀琀氀攀 戀氀愀挀欀 欀椀琀琀攀渀猀 瀀氀愀礀椀渀最 戀礀 漀甀爀 昀攀攀琀⸀ 
Next thing you'll tell me is that these two used to be fucking DOGS," she screamed as we dissolved in laughter. "Yeah", she said, ਀∀刀漀瘀攀爀 愀渀搀 䘀椀搀漀∀ 愀渀搀 氀愀甀最栀琀攀爀 戀攀挀愀洀攀 最椀最最氀攀猀⸀ 吀栀攀 瀀漀漀爀 欀椀琀琀攀渀猀 眀栀漀 栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 倀愀渀琀栀攀爀 愀渀搀 匀栀愀搀漀眀 眀攀爀攀 爀攀渀愀洀攀搀 爀椀最栀琀 琀栀攀渀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀爀攀⸀ 
Rover and Fido forevermore.਀
At that time Beth and I had been hanging out together for about 9 or 10 months and the issue had never come up. I guess she forgot ਀愀琀 猀漀洀攀 瀀漀椀渀琀 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 眀栀攀渀 猀栀攀 椀渀琀爀漀搀甀挀攀搀 洀攀 琀漀 䈀愀爀戀愀爀愀 Ⰰ 琀栀攀 眀漀洀漀渀 眀栀漀 戀攀挀愀洀攀 洀礀 氀漀瘀攀爀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 渀攀砀琀 㐀 礀攀愀爀猀 愀渀搀 椀猀 猀琀椀氀氀 洀礀 挀氀漀猀攀 
friend she neglected to mention that I was a transgendered woman.਀
I took one look at Barbara's incredible pale blue eyes and fell in, so I brought it up immediately. Barbara, who is a lifelong ਀戀甀琀挀栀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 愀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀 琀栀攀渀 愀渀搀 琀栀攀爀攀 愀渀搀 琀栀漀甀最栀 椀琀 琀漀漀欀 栀攀爀 㐀 洀漀渀琀栀猀 猀栀攀 眀漀爀欀攀搀 琀栀爀漀甀最栀 眀栀愀琀攀瘀攀爀 搀漀甀戀琀猀 
she may have had and I watched her slowly allow herself to fall in love with me. I can be a very patient lady. Life is strange ਀猀漀洀攀琀椀洀攀猀⸀ 伀渀攀 洀椀最栀琀 琀栀椀渀欀 琀栀愀琀 戀椀 眀漀洀攀渀 眀漀甀氀搀 戀攀 琀栀攀 漀渀攀猀 戀甀琀 䤀 愀洀 洀漀猀琀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀攀搀 琀漀 猀漀昀琀 戀甀琀挀栀 琀礀瀀攀猀 愀渀搀 攀愀挀栀 漀昀 洀礀 氀漀瘀攀爀猀 
since I came out have been life-long Lesbians. Go figure.਀
Over time, my heart got well as I healed emotionally and I have been able to return to work. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to ਀爀攀琀甀爀渀 琀漀 搀漀椀渀最 琀栀攀爀愀瀀礀 猀漀 䤀 眀漀爀欀攀搀 愀琀 䠀漀洀攀 䐀攀瀀漀琀 昀漀爀 ㈀ 礀攀愀爀猀 椀渀 洀礀 爀愀椀渀戀漀眀 猀甀猀瀀攀渀搀攀爀猀 愀渀搀 猀椀渀挀攀 琀栀攀 猀琀漀爀攀 椀猀 漀渀 琀栀攀 攀搀最攀 漀昀 琀栀攀 
Gayborhood, I met many other Gay wimmin and became the goto gal in the community for home improvement and repair suggestions. ਀䈀愀爀戀愀爀愀 挀愀洀攀 琀漀 挀漀洀瀀愀渀礀 昀甀渀挀琀椀漀渀猀 愀猀 洀礀 瀀愀爀琀渀攀爀 眀⼀渀漀 栀愀猀猀氀攀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀搀 琀栀愀琀 愀氀琀栀漀甀最栀 搀爀甀最猀 眀攀爀攀 渀漀 氀漀渀最攀爀 瀀愀爀琀 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀Ⰰ 
my long dormant Alcoholism had taken over my life.਀
I woke up one morning after a night when I had drunk nor more than usual no behaved any worse than usual. I still had everything ਀漀渀 琀栀攀 漀甀琀猀椀搀攀Ⰰ 洀礀 栀漀洀攀Ⰰ 洀礀 眀漀爀欀Ⰰ 洀礀 最椀爀氀昀爀椀攀渀搀 愀渀搀 洀礀 挀愀爀 愀渀搀 搀爀椀瘀攀爀猀 氀椀猀挀攀渀猀攀 戀甀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 氀漀猀琀 洀攀⸀ 䤀 眀愀猀 戀爀漀欀攀渀 愀渀搀 攀洀瀀琀礀⸀ 䘀漀爀 琀栀攀 
first time, I understood the word bereft. I cried and I cried out,“Goddess, help me.“ And I heard a soft gentle voice deep in my ਀猀漀甀氀 猀愀礀Ⰰ ᰀ䤠琀ᤀ猠 琀椀洀攀Ⰰ 䌀栀椀氀搀⸀ 䤀琀ᤀ猠 琀椀洀攀⸀ᰀ†䤀 眀攀渀琀 琀漀 洀礀 昀椀爀猀琀 ㄀㈀ 匀琀攀瀀 洀攀攀琀椀渀最 琀栀愀琀 渀椀最栀琀⸀ 䤀 最漀琀 猀漀戀攀爀 昀椀瘀攀 礀攀愀爀猀 愀最漀 愀渀搀 栀愀瘀攀 栀愀搀 愀 
very active program of meetings since.਀
We have a Gay and Lesbian (12-Step) clubhouse here and some of the other wimmin urged me to serve on the Board with them which ਀䤀 搀椀搀 昀漀爀 ㌀ 礀爀猀⸀ ⠀眀眀眀⸀氀愀洀戀搀愀猀漀甀琀栀⸀挀漀洀 䤀昀 愀渀礀漀渀攀 椀猀 挀甀爀椀漀甀猀⤀
਀䤀 眀漀爀欀 椀渀 愀 瀀爀椀瘀愀琀攀 倀猀礀挀栀椀愀琀爀椀挀 䠀漀猀瀀椀琀愀氀 渀漀眀 椀渀 琀栀攀 倀爀椀搀攀 䤀渀猀琀椀琀甀琀攀Ⰰ 愀 昀氀漀漀爀 搀攀搀椀挀愀琀攀搀 琀漀 猀攀爀瘀椀渀最 䜀愀礀 洀攀渀 愀渀搀 眀椀洀洀椀渀 眀椀琀栀 瀀猀礀挀栀椀愀琀爀椀挀 
or substance abuse disorders. They call me a psyche tech but I am really the unit “Wendy”. I hold my lost brothers and sisters while ਀琀栀攀礀 猀挀爀攀愀洀 漀爀 挀爀礀 漀爀 瀀甀欀攀Ⰰ 䤀 氀漀瘀攀 琀栀攀洀 愀 氀漀琀 愀渀搀 䤀 琀爀礀 琀漀 氀攀愀搀 琀栀攀洀 戀愀挀欀 昀爀漀洀 一攀瘀攀爀 一攀瘀攀爀 䰀愀渀搀⸀
਀䈀愀爀戀愀爀愀 愀渀搀 䤀 愀爀攀 渀漀 氀漀渀最攀爀 愀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 戀甀琀 眀攀 愀爀攀 挀氀漀猀攀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀 愀渀搀 䤀 猀攀攀洀 琀漀 栀愀瘀攀 昀愀氀氀攀渀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 愀最愀椀渀 眀椀琀栀 愀渀漀琀栀攀爀 猀漀昀琀 戀甀琀挀栀Ⰰ 
lifelong lesbian and she with me.਀
I saw my little Lime tree the other day and she is well too bearing fruit & looking beautiful.਀
I am Joani.਀
I am a transgendered Lesbian.਀
I am OK. I thank the Goddess everyday.਀
਀
Story 68਀
Coming out age: 50 ਀
When I moved to the state I live in now, about 6 years ago, I hit it off immediately with one of my new co-workers. ਀䤀 戀攀挀愀洀攀 漀戀猀攀猀猀攀搀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀Ⰰ 眀愀渀琀攀搀 琀漀 戀攀 渀攀愀爀 栀攀爀 愀氀氀 琀栀攀 琀椀洀攀Ⰰ 猀栀攀 昀椀氀氀攀搀 洀礀 攀渀琀椀爀攀 攀渀瘀椀爀漀渀洀攀渀琀⸀ 䤀 搀椀搀渀✀琀 琀栀椀渀欀 洀甀挀栀 
about it, until I found myself fantasizing about her constantly. This was weird; I had no idea what was going on. I ਀栀愀搀 戀攀攀渀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀Ⰰ 栀愀搀 愀 搀愀甀最栀琀攀爀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 渀攀瘀攀爀 椀渀 洀礀 眀椀氀搀攀猀琀 搀爀攀愀洀猀 攀瘀攀爀 挀漀渀猀椀搀攀爀攀搀 洀礀猀攀氀昀 琀漀 戀攀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀ 䈀甀琀 琀栀攀 洀漀爀攀 
these feelings persisted, the more I began to wonder about it. (Self-awareness is not my strong point - DUH!) ਀
I had a lesbian friend, and I told her all of this, and she pretty much said, "yeah, I'm not surprised to hear this, I ਀愀氀眀愀礀猀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 礀漀甀 眀攀爀攀 愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀∀ 圀攀氀氀Ⰰ 礀漀甀 挀漀甀氀搀 栀愀瘀攀 欀渀漀挀欀攀搀 洀攀 漀瘀攀爀 眀椀琀栀 愀 昀攀愀琀栀攀爀 ⴀ 眀愀猀 椀琀 琀栀愀琀 漀戀瘀椀漀甀猀 琀漀 攀瘀攀爀礀漀渀攀 
but ME? My co-worker has a lesbian daughter, which just complicated things, because I couldn't figure out where my co-worker ਀眀愀猀 愀琀 椀渀 琀栀椀猀 猀瀀攀挀琀爀甀洀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀✀瘀攀 洀愀渀愀最攀搀 琀漀 瀀甀琀 琀栀椀猀 瀀愀猀猀椀漀渀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 昀漀爀 栀攀爀 戀愀挀欀 椀渀 琀栀攀 挀氀漀猀攀琀Ⰰ 猀漀 琀漀 猀瀀攀愀欀⸀ 䈀甀琀 椀琀 挀愀甀猀攀搀 
me to think back over my life and the people I've had "crushes" on over the years, and lo and behold, they are all women! ਀
From the time I was about 6 or 7 and loved to be around my neighbor and babysitter, Melanie. I remembered various other ਀最椀爀氀猀 愀渀搀 眀漀洀攀渀 漀瘀攀爀 琀栀攀 挀漀甀爀猀攀 漀昀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 䤀 氀椀欀攀搀 愀 氀漀琀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 爀攀愀氀椀稀攀 渀漀眀 琀栀愀琀 洀礀 昀攀攀氀椀渀最猀 眀攀渀琀 戀攀礀漀渀搀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 
didn't understand that. Sexual or romantic relationships with them never occurred to me, at least not consciously, but looking ਀戀愀挀欀 渀漀眀Ⰰ 䤀 猀攀攀 琀栀愀琀✀猀 攀砀愀挀琀氀礀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 瀀椀渀椀渀最 愀眀愀礀 昀漀爀⸀ 
਀䄀猀 漀琀栀攀爀猀 栀愀瘀攀 眀爀椀琀琀攀渀 栀攀爀攀Ⰰ 椀琀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 椀猀 氀椀欀攀 戀攀椀渀最 猀洀愀挀欀攀搀 椀渀 琀栀攀 栀攀愀搀 眀椀琀栀 愀 ㈀砀㐀 ⴀ 栀漀眀 挀漀甀氀搀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 洀椀猀猀攀搀 琀栀椀猀 洀礀 攀渀琀椀爀攀 
life?? But now that I've had this epiphany, I "get" it, and it feels like I've been asleep most of my life and I've just woken ਀甀瀀⸀ 䤀 搀漀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 眀栀愀琀 琀漀 搀漀 愀戀漀甀琀 椀琀㬀 䤀 昀攀攀氀 氀椀欀攀 愀 渀攀眀戀漀爀渀 戀愀戀礀 搀椀猀挀漀瘀攀爀椀渀最 琀栀攀 眀漀爀氀搀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 昀椀爀猀琀 琀椀洀攀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀✀洀 猀攀攀椀渀最 琀栀椀渀最猀 
a lot differently now, and eager to learn what it's all about.਀
਀
Story 69਀
Coming out age: 42਀ 
I am 42 years old. I have been married for 20 years and have children. I love my husband dearly and I have fallen utterly ਀愀渀搀 挀漀洀瀀氀攀琀攀氀礀 椀渀 氀漀瘀攀 眀椀琀栀 愀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀ 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 戀攀攀渀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀攀搀 琀漀 眀漀洀攀渀 戀攀昀漀爀攀 戀甀琀 渀攀瘀攀爀 最愀瘀攀 椀琀 洀甀挀栀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀⸀ 吀栀椀猀 琀椀洀攀 栀漀眀攀瘀攀爀 
I cannot let it go. ਀
I haven't exactly "come out" to anyone other than myself. I am in love and I cannot stop thinking about her. When I realized ਀栀漀眀 愀琀琀爀愀挀琀攀搀 䤀 愀洀 琀漀 栀攀爀 䤀 椀渀椀琀椀愀琀攀搀 愀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀⸀ 吀栀愀琀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀 栀愀猀 最爀漀眀渀 愀渀搀 䤀 挀愀渀渀漀琀 椀洀愀最椀渀攀 洀礀 氀椀昀攀 眀椀琀栀漀甀琀 栀攀爀⸀ 伀甀爀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀 
have become friends and I use play dates as an opportunity just to be with her. I have told her that I love her. I flirt with ਀栀攀爀 愀渀搀 䤀 琀攀氀氀 栀攀爀 栀漀眀 戀攀愀甀琀椀昀甀氀 䤀 琀栀椀渀欀 猀栀攀 椀猀⸀ 匀栀攀 栀愀猀 渀攀瘀攀爀 爀攀猀瀀漀渀搀攀搀 氀椀欀攀 䤀 眀愀渀琀 栀攀爀 琀漀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 䤀 爀攀洀愀椀渀 栀漀瀀攀昀甀氀⸀ 
਀圀栀攀渀 猀栀攀 挀漀洀攀猀 琀漀 洀礀 栀漀甀猀攀 猀栀攀 猀琀愀渀搀猀 爀攀愀氀氀礀 挀氀漀猀攀 琀漀 洀攀 漀爀 猀椀琀猀 爀椀最栀琀 渀攀砀琀 琀漀 洀攀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 琀栀愀琀✀猀 椀琀⸀ 圀栀攀渀 眀攀 最漀 漀甀琀 眀椀琀栀 漀甀爀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀猀 
she sits next to me and I can feel her leaning her leg against me (which she always does). But, that's it. I am afraid to "try" ਀愀渀礀琀栀椀渀最 戀攀挀愀甀猀攀 䤀 挀愀渀渀漀琀 椀洀愀最椀渀攀 氀漀猀椀渀最 栀攀爀 昀爀椀攀渀搀猀栀椀瀀 椀昀 猀栀攀 搀漀攀猀 渀漀琀 昀攀攀氀 琀栀攀 猀愀洀攀 眀愀礀⸀ 䤀 琀栀椀渀欀 愀戀漀甀琀 栀攀爀 愀氀氀 琀栀攀 琀椀洀攀 愀渀搀 䤀 愀洀 
in love with her. I know because I have only felt this way 1 time in my life - when I fell in love with my husband. Until now I ਀栀愀瘀攀 渀攀瘀攀爀 攀瘀攀渀 最椀瘀攀渀 愀渀礀漀渀攀 攀氀猀攀 愀 猀攀挀漀渀搀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀⸀ 䠀漀眀攀瘀攀爀Ⰰ 椀昀 椀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 䤀 栀愀搀 愀 挀栀愀渀挀攀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀Ⰰ 䤀 眀漀甀氀搀 琀愀欀攀 椀琀⸀ 䤀 搀漀渀✀琀 挀愀爀攀 
what the consequences will be with my hubby or hers, or my family, or friends. I am totally and completely "out". Only problem is ਀䤀 眀愀渀琀 栀攀爀 琀漀 挀漀洀攀 漀甀琀 眀椀琀栀 洀攀 愀渀搀 䤀 搀漀渀✀琀 欀渀漀眀 眀栀愀琀 琀漀 搀漀⸀ 
਀
਀匀琀漀爀礀 㜀　
਀䌀漀洀椀渀最 漀甀琀 愀最攀㨀  㔀　
਀䤀 搀漀渀ᤀ琠 欀渀漀眀 椀昀 䤀 挀漀甀渀琀 愀猀 愀 氀愀琀攀 戀氀漀漀洀攀爀 漀爀 渀漀琀Ⰰ 
rather than someone who returned to “blooming”! I am now ਀㔀㌀⸀ 䤀渀 洀礀 挀漀氀氀攀最攀 礀攀愀爀猀Ⰰ 䤀 眀愀猀 瘀攀爀礀 瀀甀戀氀椀挀氀礀 漀甀琀 愀猀 愀 
lesbian, and had a long term relationship with one of ਀洀礀 ⠀眀漀洀愀渀⤀ 瀀爀漀昀攀猀猀漀爀猀Ⰰ 眀栀漀 眀愀猀 焀甀椀琀攀 挀漀渀琀爀漀氀氀椀渀最⸀ 䤀 
also had several encounters with other women students. ਀圀栀攀渀 䤀 最爀愀搀甀愀琀攀搀Ⰰ 琀栀漀甀最栀Ⰰ 䤀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 愀 洀愀渀 愀渀搀 栀愀搀 琀眀漀 
children. That was thirty years ago. In that time, I ਀栀愀瘀攀 栀愀搀 攀洀漀琀椀漀渀愀氀 爀攀氀愀琀椀漀渀猀栀椀瀀猀 眀椀琀栀 猀攀瘀攀爀愀氀 眀漀洀攀渀Ⰰ 
which involved some kissing and petting, but my lesbian ਀氀椀昀攀 洀愀椀渀氀礀 猀琀愀礀攀搀 甀渀搀攀爀最爀漀甀渀搀⸀
਀䔀瘀攀爀礀琀栀椀渀最 猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 琀漀 挀栀愀渀最攀 昀椀瘀攀 漀爀 猀漀 礀攀愀爀猀 愀最漀⸀ 䴀礀 
relationship with my husband had gradually become ਀琀漀琀愀氀氀礀 渀漀渀ⴀ猀攀砀甀愀氀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 戀漀琀栀 洀礀 挀栀椀氀搀爀攀渀 氀攀昀琀 栀漀洀攀 昀漀爀 
graduate school. My sex life was a matter of ਀洀愀猀琀甀爀戀愀琀椀漀渀Ⰰ 眀椀琀栀 昀愀渀琀愀猀椀攀猀 琀栀愀琀 椀渀挀爀攀愀猀椀渀最氀礀 昀漀挀甀猀攀搀 琀漀琀愀氀氀礀 漀渀 
women – on my colleagues in the college I work in, on ਀瀀爀漀昀攀猀猀漀爀猀 愀渀搀 猀琀愀昀昀 瀀攀漀瀀氀攀⸀
਀䤀 猀甀瀀瀀漀猀攀 䤀 眀愀猀 猀攀琀 琀漀 昀愀氀氀Ⰰ 戀甀琀 眀栀愀琀 攀瘀攀渀琀甀愀氀氀礀 
happened was almost an accident. I was spending a lot of ਀琀椀洀攀 漀甀琀猀椀搀攀 眀漀爀欀 眀椀琀栀 漀渀攀 猀攀挀爀攀琀愀爀礀 椀渀 栀攀爀 洀椀搀ⴀ㐀　猀Ⰰ 眀栀漀 
was seemingly happily married. One evening I was at ਀栀攀爀 栀漀甀猀攀 昀漀爀 搀爀椀渀欀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 眀愀猀 琀爀礀椀渀最 琀漀 琀栀椀渀欀 漀昀 眀愀礀猀 
to get closer to her without having her kick me out as ਀愀 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀⸀ 䄀昀琀攀爀 猀栀攀 猀愀椀搀 猀漀洀攀琀栀椀渀最Ⰰ 䤀 氀愀甀最栀攀搀 愀渀搀 瀀甀琀 
my hand on her arm, leaving it there for just that ਀攀砀琀爀愀 猀攀挀漀渀搀⸀ 䄀渀搀 琀栀攀 渀攀砀琀 琀栀椀渀最 䤀 欀渀漀眀Ⰰ 栀攀爀 昀愀挀攀 椀猀 渀攀砀琀 
to mine, we are kissing, and she has her hand on my ਀戀爀攀愀猀琀⸀ 圀栀愀琀 愀洀愀稀攀搀 洀攀 眀愀猀 琀栀椀猀⸀ 䤀 琀栀漀甀最栀琀 䤀 眀愀猀 琀栀攀 
experienced one, who knows everything about giving ਀瀀氀攀愀猀甀爀攀 琀漀 愀 眀漀洀愀渀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 椀猀 ᰀ樠甀猀琀 愀 瘀椀爀最椀渀ᴀ⸠ 䈀甀琀 猀栀攀 椀猀 
the one making the running, being the aggressive ਀氀漀瘀攀爀Ⰰ 欀椀猀猀椀渀最 愀渀搀 瀀攀琀琀椀渀最⸀ 圀椀琀栀椀渀 愀 挀漀甀瀀氀攀 漀昀 眀攀攀欀猀Ⰰ 眀攀 
are going steady, though it was a little while before we ਀猀琀愀爀琀攀搀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 猀攀砀 爀攀最甀氀愀爀氀礀⸀ 伀甀爀 猀攀砀 氀椀昀攀 渀漀眀 椀猀 
incredible, so much so that I regret all the years I spent ਀眀椀琀栀漀甀琀 栀愀瘀椀渀最 愀 眀漀洀愀渀⸀ 䤀 愀氀猀漀 氀漀漀欀 戀愀挀欀 眀椀琀栀 搀椀猀戀攀氀椀攀昀 漀渀 琀栀攀 
times I had sex with a man: the thought just disgusts ਀洀攀⸀ 
਀圀栀愀琀 栀愀猀 挀栀愀渀最攀搀 椀渀 琀栀攀 氀愀猀琀 礀攀愀爀 椀猀 琀栀愀琀 䤀 栀愀瘀攀 
become totally hers. I love her, I describe myself as her ਀眀椀昀攀 椀渀 瀀甀戀氀椀挀 猀攀琀琀椀渀最猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 眀椀氀氀 猀漀漀渀 戀攀 挀栀愀渀最椀渀最 洀礀 
name to take hers. I treasure every moment of ਀椀渀琀椀洀愀挀礀⸀ 䤀ᤀ瘠攀 戀攀挀漀洀攀 愀氀洀漀猀琀 愀 猀甀戀洀椀猀猀椀瘀攀 眀椀昀攀Ⰰ 椀渀 琀栀攀 戀攀搀爀漀漀洀 
as well as in public. I dress differently (more ਀眀漀洀愀渀氀礀℀⤀Ⰰ 䤀 愀搀樀甀猀琀 眀栀愀琀 䤀 搀漀 琀漀 猀甀椀琀 栀攀爀 洀漀漀搀猀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 猀栀攀 
totally makes the running sexually: she completely ਀搀攀挀椀搀攀猀 琀椀洀攀 愀渀搀 瀀氀愀挀攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 椀昀 䤀 搀漀渀ᤀ琠 昀攀攀氀 氀椀欀攀 椀琀Ⰰ 䤀 搀漀 洀礀 
best to accommodate her needs. For the first time in ਀洀礀 氀椀昀攀Ⰰ 䤀 攀瘀攀渀 眀攀愀爀 猀攀砀礀 甀渀搀攀爀眀攀愀爀 眀栀攀渀 猀栀攀 戀甀礀猀 椀琀 
for me: I suppose at mny age I should feel silly, but I ਀搀漀渀ᤀ琠Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 搀漀渀ᤀ琠 挀愀爀攀⸀
਀圀攀 愀爀攀 猀甀搀搀攀渀氀礀 愀 瀀愀椀爀 漀昀 漀氀搀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀猀⸀ 䄀渀搀 䤀 愀洀 猀漀 
happy! I never thought I would be "June Cleaver". We’ve ਀愀氀猀漀 搀椀瘀攀搀 椀渀琀漀 琀栀攀 昀氀漀甀爀椀猀栀椀渀最 氀攀猀戀椀愀渀 猀挀攀渀攀 愀爀漀甀渀搀 
this college, so our set-up is well-known.਀
There is a complication. Although my partner has ਀戀爀漀欀攀渀 甀瀀 眀椀琀栀 栀攀爀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀Ⰰ 洀礀 漀眀渀 栀甀猀戀愀渀搀 椀猀 猀琀椀氀氀 愀爀漀甀渀搀Ⰰ 
living in the same house. He has his rooms, we have ਀漀甀爀猀⸀ 䤀 搀漀 猀琀椀氀氀 氀漀瘀攀 栀椀洀Ⰰ 栀攀ᤀ猠 愀 最爀攀愀琀 昀愀琀栀攀爀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 
would hate to be parted. He’s been wonderfully tolerant ਀眀椀琀栀 甀猀Ⰰ 栀攀 氀漀瘀攀猀 猀攀攀椀渀最 洀攀 栀愀瀀瀀礀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 䤀 搀漀渀ᤀ琠 琀栀椀渀欀 
his lack of sex is a problem: he’s had long enough to ਀最攀琀 甀猀攀搀 琀漀 椀琀⸀ 䈀甀琀 䤀 欀渀漀眀 椀琀ᤀ猠 愀 眀攀椀爀搀 猀椀琀甀愀琀椀漀渀 琀栀愀琀 
often attracts comments and (hurtful) jokes from the ਀眀漀洀攀渀 眀攀 欀渀漀眀⸀ 䄀氀氀 䤀 挀愀渀 猀愀礀 椀猀 琀栀愀琀 眀攀 栀愀瘀攀 漀甀爀 氀椀瘀攀猀Ⰰ 
and how we live them is our business.਀
One final thing. I see  a lot of students and younger ਀眀漀洀攀渀 椀渀 琀栀椀猀 挀漀氀氀攀最攀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 昀漀爀 猀漀 洀愀渀礀Ⰰ 椀渀琀攀爀愀挀琀椀漀渀猀 
with other women are just the norm. I bet that they ਀眀椀氀氀 渀攀瘀攀爀 昀攀攀氀 琀栀攀 渀攀攀搀 眀攀 栀愀搀 琀漀 最攀琀 洀愀爀爀椀攀搀 漀爀 栀愀瘀攀 
anything to do with men because of social pressures. I ਀攀渀瘀礀 琀栀攀洀 猀漀 洀甀挀栀⸀